In the Headlights

Gender Bending

If you've ever taken a foreign language, you might have wondered how they assigned genders to all those inanimate objects.  And why on earth is it "la mano".  Shouldn't it be masculine if it ends in "o"?  Anyway, here are some derivations:

Freezer bags:  They are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers:  They are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tires:  Tires are male because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.  (or under inflated).

Hot Air Balloons:  Male, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butts.

Sponges:  Female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Pages:  Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Trains:  Definitely male.  They always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg timers:  Female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers:  Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, but are occasionally handy to have around.

The Remote Control:  Female (surprise!).  It gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.  (No wonder...they look pretty complicated.)

[Image via Time Warner Cable]

Today's Lame Joke

This joke's from Dee Ray.

A patient is in the recovery room following a long surgery under general anesthesia.

He's a bit restless, apparently unsure of where he is.

"Nurse," he mumbles behind the oxygen, "are my testicles back?"

The student nurse at the bedside is surprised and embarrassed.  "I'm sure I don't know, Sir, I'm just here to take your vital signs."

She takes his vital signs, as the cuff goes up, he stirs and again says "nurse, are my testicles back."

She takes his pulse, it is high.  Again he asks "nurse, are my testicles back."  Concerned that he is getting agitated and his blood pressure and pulse are rising because of it, she gingerly lifts the sheets and looks under.  She lifts his gown and gently holds his penis as she palpates his scrotum, palpating and counting to two.

Reassuringly, she tells him "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them."

With difficulty and pain, the man reaches up and removes his oxygen mask. With an unusually contented smile, he says "Thank you very much.  That was wonderful.  Now listen to me very carefully: ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Ratatouille!

Ratatouille used to mean a French peasant dish made with various vegetables.  When I was growing up, Mom would make it by grilling eggplant, green peppers, onions, and slicing tomatoes, then layering the whole thing with ham and Swiss cheese, herbs, salt and pepper, then baking it.  Served with a crispy baguette and butter, it was a delightful Summer dish.  Now it refers

Now, no one has to remember the dish, though it adds a layer to the title of this movie (and is featured at the end of the movie), which centers on a beguiling little rat named Remy with a distinct culinary gift. The Pixar animation is truly wonderful, not only of the characters, but of the beauty of Paris and the French countryside.  Disney and Pixar collaborated on this film.  Animators spent time in culinary schools, to understand the workings of the kitchen, and they went to Paris to appreciate the beauty and spirit of that city.

Remy comes to Paris from the countryside and goes to visit the restaurant of his culinary god, Gusteau,  only to find that the reknown chef has died.  Not to worry, though, Remy gets to commune with his spirit.

When Alfredo Linguini, the janitor spills the soup special, he attempts to cover it up by throwing ingredients into the pot.  Remy can't stand by and watch, and fixes the soup.  Linguini discovers Remy, and they form a partnership.  Remy hides under Linguini's toque and pulls on his hair to direct his movements. It's adorable.

The plot is complicated by sous-chef Skinner's desire to profit from Gusteau's name, the hitherto unknown fact that Gusteau had an heir, a romance between Linguini and chef Colette, and malevolent critic named Anton Ego. Not to mention the ethnic tension between humans and rats, and the rat genocide taking place all the while.  A restaurant is not a safe place for a young rat, as is amply demonstrated every time Remy's cute little nose shows itself.

Definitely a charming, fun movie. Pixar does it again!

Too Much Time

L.C. sent us these clever rearrangements:

Dormitory:                                             Dirty room

Presbyterian:                                         Best in prayer

Astronomer:                                           Moon starer

Desperation:                                           A rope ends it

The eyes!:                                              They see!

George Bush:                                          He bugs Gore

The Morse Code:                                     Here come dots

Slot machines:                                        Cash lost in me

Animosity:                                              Is no amity

Election Results:                                     Lies--  Let's recount

Snooze alarms:                                       Alas, no more Z's

A decimal point:                                     I'm a dot in place

The earthquakes:                                    That queer shake

Eleven plus two:                                     Twelve plus one

Mother-in-law:                                       Woman Hitler

Great Gift Idea

A gift for someone who has everything. 

A small, medium or large tumbleweed to turn into a pet or loving companion.  Or you can cunningly turn it into a centerpiece for your holiday table, or a clever coffee table, or a makeshift bed for company.  Add it to a pot of water for a delicious soup.

Seriously  (or not), Prairie Tumbleweed Farm will happily send you a tumbleweed to do whatever you see fit to do with it.  Some discretion advised.

The web site is a hoot, what with pictures of the tumbleweed harvest, and the tumbleweeds growing in neat little rows.  It may have started as a joke, but today, owner Linda Katz or Garden City Kansas makes about $40 thousand a year shipping tumbleweeds ordered through her website, and aside from her time and shipping costs, it's just about all pure profit.  Sounds like it's ripe for a hostile takeover, to me. 

Meanwhile, order one, put it on a leash and give it to some unsuspecting and humorless friend.

[Image from Prairie Tumbleweed Farm.com]

Thanks, L.C.!

Mind-bending

At the wedding, Melissa's father astonished me with this number puzzle.  Do it quickly, but do the calculations correctly.

Think of a number between one and ten.

Multiply it by nine.

Add the digits together.

Subtract five.  Remember the result.

Now where one is "a" and two is "b", etc., figure out the letter that corresponds to your number.

Think of a country that begins with that letter.

Now what is the last letter of that country?

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Think of the last letter of the name of the animal.

Think of a fruit that begins with that letter.

Make a sentence that includes the name of the country, the animal and the fruit.

*******************

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!!!

********************

Melissa's new father-in-law looked me in the eye and said"

"In Denmark, the kangaroos eat oranges."

I dropped my jaw.

A bit of clarification.

If you multiply any single digit other that "1" by nine, the sum of the digits is nine: 18, 27,36,45, 54,63,72,81. Subtract five and you get 4, so your letter is "d".

Not many countries start with "D".  Most people will think of "Denmark", and for an animal beginning with "k", kangaroo comes to mind, though I might have said "koala" given another moment.  But you are being rushed along.  Likewise, the fruit that begins with an "o"...hurry now...okay.

So the chances are very good that the sentence your victim will come up with is the one above.

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Ask Alice

On Thanksgiving, I was cooking and listening to NPR.  It was a great pleasure to listen to Diane Rehm interview a favorite author, Calvin Trillin, about his book about his late wife, Alice.

About Alice is Trillin's memoir about his wife and muse who died in 2001 after more than 35 years of marriage.  In the interview, he was funny, poignant, and very moving.

Alice figures in most of his books, but there is no doubt that even if she wasn't in them, she influenced him and shaded his writing.

She died of lung cancer in 2001. 9/11/2001.

The cancer was diagnosed when she was in her 30's, though she was a life-long non-smoker.  There is a question of whether it was from exposure to second-hand smoke.

She was treated with surgery and radiation therapy, which years later affected her heart.  She was waiting for a heart transplant when she died.

Trillin talks about her beauty, inner and outer, and about his daughters (who also figure prominently in his books), and his four grandchildren, who have allowed him to move on with his life.

*   *   *   *   *

In an aside, they took calls and one of the first was from Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.  Hey, I have a friend who lives there.  "Susan in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan".  Wow, I have a good friend names Susan who lives there.  I was totally prepared to here Sue's voice, when another voice came on the air.  I was so disappointed, for a moment, at least.  I guess there's more than one "Susan" in Bloomfield Hills.  Still...

[Image from NPR.org]

Time to Remodel the Bathroom

Aw, Jeez.  Deb says this is how you get a man to wash his hands.  He could still be pretending, though.

 

My So-Called (Unexamined) Life

I was recently at Everything and Nothing, and noticed that Shawn had taken The Unexamined Life Test.

Poor Shawn.  She only scored 53% (that's an "F", isn't it?).   She must have been having a bad day.  It did say she is 99% self aware, so I guess that's a bit of balm on the wound.

I decided that I, self-examiner and autoflaggelator that I am would do pretty well.

Here's how it came out:

"Your score:  oblivious"

I am 26% self-aware.

and:

"you scored higher than    0%  on self-awareness."

OK, it would be pretty hard to score lower that 0%, n'est-ce pas?

I have to say, in my own defense, that there were no good fits to the choices of answers after any of the questions.  Of course, I knew which the touchy-feely "right answers" were, but didn't select them.

Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living.  I guess this confirms that mine might not be either.

However, I have no intention of taking hemlock, as he does in this painting by Jacques-Louis David.

Countdown to Halloweeen

My friend and neighbor, Jan sent us this video.  It is hilarious.  It is also not PG rated,   Enjoy.