Compliments of Connie.
One day in the future, O.J. Simpson has a heart attack and dies. Maybe it's not a heart attack, but whatever he dies from, he goes straight to hell, where the devil awaits him.
"I don't know what to do here" says the devil. "We're above the numbers for the fire marshall. You are on my list, but there's no room. You definitely have to stay, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I have a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who you leaves."
For some reason, O.J. fell for it and decided it sounded pretty good. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over, he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," O.J. said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time, after time.
"No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented O.J.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, O.J. saw Bill Clinton, lying nude on a bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
O.J. looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said "Yeah, man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said:
"Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
[Image via South Park X]
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