In the Headlights

Worst Case Scenario

I got an email from Mike Taylor of Radar Online that included this: "We all hope to live our last moments with quiet dignity, surrounded by loved ones.  But it doesn't always work out that way."

This piqued my interest, so I went to the site, and found their list of the 100 worst ways to die.  I think we all enjoy the schadenfreude of reading about someone kicking the bucket in a particularly embarrassing way.  Their list made up, but pretty good all the same.  Some worst case scenarios:

-The back of the Hallmark Store, clutching a Precious Moments figurine.

-Reclining in a purple box, after volunteering to be a magician's assistant.

-The cougar pen at the Bronx Zoo, gingerly retrieving your Swatch.

-The handicapped stall at work, trying out that "autoerotic asphyxiation" thing you read about on Wikipedia.

-Just outside a Mexican "farmacia" with a bag of "la Viagra" in your hand.

-Next to a giant boulder, just after amputating your left arm, much closer to civilization than you thought.

-The Scientology Center, clutching an E-Meter.

That was just the beginning.  Wandering around the site, I found great stories and links to other sites with great stories.  It had the potential of consuming my whole day.  I learned:

-It's tough to be a supermodel.  Really.

-Celebrities can be pushed too far! 25 celebs flippin' the bird at paparazzi.

-The timeline of the decline of robin Williams.

And, well, much, much more.

[Image via Secrets of Scientology]

Scarier than the Status Quo?

When I first read that President Bush was to have a colonoscopy today, and that while he was anesthetized, Dick Cheney would be acting President, I had conflicting thoughts.

The first:  "Oh no."

The second:  "Oh, what the heck."

That's because my initial response was to the thought of Dick Cheney being in charge.  The second because I guess he already is. (Or maybe he and Rove share the ventriloquist duties.)

They say it's only for about 2 1/2 hours, but if you, dear normal individual, were to have a colonoscopy, first of all it wouldn't be on a Saturday, because these are elective procedures done M-F.  I wonder if they figured Saturday would be best because nothing ever happens on Saturday.  Or maybe there are no meetings today. 

Also, if you had the standard anesthetic for this procedure, you would be told afterward to go home in the care of a competent adult (somewhat subjective criterion, but WTH), and not to drive or make important decisions until the following day.  So what's this 2 1/2 hours stuff.  Do they think his decisions will be the same, or at least as wise under the lasting effects of mind-altering substances like midazolam or fentanyl as they would be when he is his clear-headed, block-headed self?  Or maybe they just don't want Dick in charge any more than 2 1/2 hours.

Finally, before they do the scope, you have to drink a half-gallon of something euphemistically called "Golytely".  It tastes like salt water, and it...um...cleans you out. You're pretty much glued to the toilet for a number of hours beforehand. 

"Mr. President, terrorists who knew you were having a colonoscopy tomorrow have unleashed missiles aimed at New York City.  You must come quickly!"  "Uh...sorry...can't...wouldn't be prudent."

[Image from Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center]

TGIF

Important Announcement:

A dangerous virus is being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.  The virus is called Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your supervisor or anyone, do not touch it!  They will try to pass it to you by any means possible, by hand, email, snail mail.  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest liquor store.  Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elomination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

It's Friday.  Start today!

A little language humor.  Today's joke features acronyms, words made up of the initials of other words, like NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization).

[Image via the official acronym website]

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Mark your calendars!  The winners of the the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest will be announced July 30.  If you want to try your hand at next year's contest, you have until April 15 (a date associated with painful submissions and made-up stories) to submit. The official rules are here.

   Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels".  In addition to an overall winner, there are winners in subcategories like detective fiction, romance novels, Western novels and purple prose.

The contest is named for English novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose name is synonymous with bad writing.  He was the first to use the line "It was a dark and stormy night."  Here's the bar that must be topped:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Bulwer-Lytton wrote in the 1800's, and apparently was quite popular.  In addition to "it was a dark and stormy night", he was responsible for "the great unwashed,"  "pursuit of the almighty dollar"  and "the pen is mightier than the sword."  Here are more quotations.

A hallmark of this type of writing is its purple prose, in which the floridity of the writing overshadows any factual content that may exist in the sentence. 

Last year's overall winner was Jim Guigli, with this:

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave, and lick the shovel clean."

I particularly like this one, the overall winner from 2005, by Dan McKay.

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual."

If you think that you, too, can write this badly, then you, too, can be recognized for it.  Start sending in those submissions.

[Image via Wikipedia]

Woody

The other day I heard a racket in the back yard.  There was a very agitated bird in one of the trees.  I took a few shots of him, and this is what I got.

He's a pileated woodpecker, a large North American woodpecker, and the inspiration for the cartoon character, Woody Woodpecker.

And below is the reason for his agitation:

Handsome Stranger is a resident feral cat.  He showed up years ago when we had a posse of outdoor cats who, unfortunately eventually succumbed to old age and disease. Red and I captured him and gothim fixed and got him his first round of vaccinations.  He's stuck around ever since, patrolling the large yard that is his domain.  For some reason, his presence under a tree seems to get that tree's residents all riled up.

Dance, Dance, Dance

Those who know me know I have been taking ballroom dance lessons and classes for almost a year now.

After much resistance, I was convinced to compete in a mini-match last Sunday. My friend Sandy and my Dad came and watched, for a while at least.  It ran a long time.  It was very interesting.

  The mini-match enrolled students dancing with their instructors.  Several local studios were represented, and 50 amateurs danced with their instructors.  There were 134 heats, lasting about 1 1/2 minutes apiece, and featuring the following dances:  Waltz, Tango, Peabody, Foxtrot, Quickstep, Viennese Waltz, Cha Cha, Rumba, Salsa, Bolero, East or West Coast Swing, Jive, Hustle or Merengue.  I competed in Foxtrot, Cha Cha, Rumba, Salsa, East Coast Swing, and Hustle at the preliminary bronze, newcomer bronze, intermediate bronze and full bronze levels.  Anywhere from three to seven couples danced in each heat.  I danced in 24 heats.

Following the competitive heats, there was the Silver Slipper Professional Competition:  four pairs of professional partners danced routines.  It was amazing to watch.  Great dancing.  My two instructors and their partners participated and placed first and second.  Then there were professional exhibitions by four pairs of professional partners.  Again, some mind-boggling moves.  It was beautiful to watch.

The last act was three beautiful smooth dances done by the judges, who demonstrated why they get to judge others.

Throughout the match, there was a lot of hooting and hollering, rooting for those you know.  Sandy likened it to a High School sports event.  She said she didn't even know such things existed.  I'm sure they exist all ofver the country, and those who enjoy watching dancing on TV, or are thinking about trying it would do well to attend a couple of these matches and watch the participants...and then watch the professional talent.  Holy cow!

It was fun.  It was long.  I was told it takes a few days to settle back down after doing one of these, and I have to say I am writing this post at 4 AM, after a night of tossing and turning, and having "Tainted Love" running through my head over and over.

Each participant received a trophy with little plaques representing their success. Scoring is based on points.  A score of 85 or above gets a Second Place rank.  88 or above gets a First Place, and 95 or above is a Superior Performance.   Mine had 21 first place plaques out of 24 heats. 

So I feel like I did pretty well, but still have room for improvement.  I think I'll do this again, but plan to wait a few months.  Once I knew I was going to do this, it took a lot of time and practice getting ready...I didn't want to make a fool of myself, but it's pretty draining too.

But I'm getting a lot of exercise, and having a blast. 

[Image from Valentino's World of Dance]

Who Killed the Electric Car

Last night, I watched a film called "Who Killed the Electric Car".  Both hopeful and depressing, the film follows the development of a battery electric car, the EV1, by GM in the 1990s after the California Air Resourses Board passed a mandate requiring a decrease in emissions. 

This site includes a wonderful introduction to the movie, as well as links to interesting facts about electric cars and some of these alternatives.  It is well worth spending a few minutes.

Hundreds of electric cars (GM's EV1 is featured in the movie) were made and leased.  Meanwhile, Toyota and Honda made their own versions.  These little cars had great pickup, no emissions, and a range of about 80 miles on a charge, making them perfect for commuters with limited travel distances.

The movie starts with a funeral for a dead EV1, then rounds up the usual suspects and tries, amidst all the fingerpointing, to determine who was responsible for the demise of the car.  Some are found guilty, some are found innocent.

One finger poits at the California Air Resources Board, which caved in under lawsuits from oil companies, automakers and the government (not only is oil influential in the Bush administration, but auto companies as well (Bush, Cheney, Rice and Andrew Card were all executives of oil or automobile companies.)

The Bush administration has been busily pushing a hydrogen fuel cell car, (as have the car manufactureres and oil companies.  They know this technology is at least 20 years from being usable in a commuter market, giving these companies companies twenty more years of record profits.  And of course they have given record tax incentives to people who purchase large trucks and SUVs.

How about the oil companies:  of course they were guilty.  An electric car could only hurt their fat bottom line and they responded with suits.  Never mind what the oil industry is doing to the environment in this country, and to stability in the whole world.

Car manufacturers:  They made this car under duress...pressure from the California Air Resources Board.  They leased the EV1 only, allowing GM to take them all back when the time came.  The time came the minute the CARB changed the regulations.  Even as they were taking back the EV1, GM was releasing the Hummer!

The car manufacturers claim they took the cars off the market because there was no interest.  They claim that people want power and range and size...the bigger the better.  However, most people did not know about these cars or that they were available.  So the advertising was not widespread.  And apparently what advertising they did was emphasized the drawbacks of the vehicles.  Despite that people who owned them loved them and hated having them taken away.  Car manufacturers know how to sell vehicles and make vehicles sexy.  This little car appealed to a lot of people.  It is very unlikely that it was pulled because it was not marketable.

The car companies blamed the limited range of the car battery, but the film demonstrated that by the time the car was pulled, battery technology had advanced to allow a range of 110 to 160 miles, and they were working on one with a range of 300 miles for the EV1.  As these advanced batteries were developed, their patents were bought up by the big oil companies...

I could envision either a fast charge for a car battery at 300 miles, as you stop for a meal.  It is very likely that rapid-charge batteries would soon be available.  The technology was smothered.

Another point made in the movie was that when you took an electric car in for maintenance, it meant that the tires were rotated and the fluids were topped off.  The battery itself had no moving parts, and would outlast the life of the car.  So there was little money to be made in maintenance and repairs.

So many of the accused were deemed guilty:  the consumer, the oil companies, the car companies, the government, the California Air Resources Board.

What is most shocking is that a company could develop such a successful, groundbreaking product (with such potential that Toyota and Honda immediately countered with their own versions, which they also withdrew after the demise of the EV1), and then coldbloodedly kill it.

Perhaps the EV1 was born a decade too early.  Today, with burgeoning awareness and concern about greenhouse gases and global warming, with people clammoring for more environmentally friendly vehicles, that these companies are going to be forced to come up with more fuel-efficient vehicles, and alternatives to what the American car manufacturers offer.  President Carter passed legislation to improve fuel economy, but the minute car manufacturers reached the goal, they leveled off, making no further headway in efficiency, while Japanese car makers continued to improve technology so that today their cars get significantly more gas mileage than do American cars.  Any headway made by the Carter administration was later gutted by the Reagan and Bush administrations.

Here's Wikipedia's take on "Who Killed the Electric Car", if you want more detail and links.

Now is the time for people to demand more efficient vehicles, to require a chance to get out from under dependency on foreign (or domestic) oil, and to find ways to decrease our carbon footprint.  Hopefully all these issues together will reach a critical mass and make big oil, our government, the auto industry and our people develop and accept such technology.  Pronto.  We know the EV1 technology is there, unless they destroyed all the design work when the crushed all those new electric cars.

[Image from the Sydney Morning Herald]

W.O.W.

Word of the Week:

Malversation.  I thought it would mean speaking badly of someone or something, but it is more than that.  From the Middle French word malverser, and before that the Latin, male (wrongly or ill) and versari (to behave or conduct oneself), it refers to corruption in a position. 

The Gilded Tongue, whence the word came, cites Spiro Agnew as an example.

Amazon still has this gem of a book chocked full of esoteric workds on sale for $3.40, in hardcover.  And if you have Amazon Prime, you get free shipping.  Well, not exactly free...you pay a yearly charge, but it makes it very nice when you find something you'd like.  You don't have to defer ordering it (and then forgetting all about it), nor do you have to order over $20 worth of merchandise to get free shipping.

[The image is from edgeoforever, a lovely blog with lots of interesting things.]

I see a lot in the press about Karl Rove being an atheist.  I find it interesting that he has spent so much policitcal capital pandering to the evangelical Christians.  I guess whatever it takes to make political hay.

As The Conservative Deflator comments here, "has anyone told Ann Coulter?"

Something the Lord Made

I just watched a fine film, "Something the Lord Made".  It was made by HBO in 2004.  My friend Keith had seen it and was convinced enough that I would like it to bug me repeatedly to put it on my Netflix queue.

Keith was right.

This film has it all.  History, friendship, betrayal of a sort, well produced and acted.

It centers around two men, Alfred Blalock (Alan Rickman) and Vivien Thomas (Mos Def), who developed the Blalock-Taussig shunt, the first open heart surgery (though, technically, it was surgery on the great vessels, not the heart itself, and no cardiopulmonary bypass was involved).  The surgery was the first surgical treatment for congenital heart disease, and allowed the babies with Tetralogy of Fallot to get more blood to their lungs and greatly extend their life expectancies.

As if this weren't enough, the story of the relationship between the central characters is just as compelling.  Vivien Thomas is a Black man in 1930's Nashville who wants to go to medical school, but the bank where he has his savings goes under and the money for college and medical school is gone.  He looks for work at Vanderbilt University, where he is hired as a lab assistant by Alfred Blalock, an arrogant surgeon and researcher.  Blalock is perceptive enough to recognize Thomas's intelligence and ability, and soon he is brainstorming research problems, and operating on dogs at Blalock's side.

Were it not for the times and Thomas's race the story would have been different.  He was marginalized throughout the movie, as Blalock got credit for their joint work.  Blalock valued his work and support, and brought him to Maryland with him when he became the chief of surgery at Johns Hopkins. But Blalock, perhaps a product of his time, rarely stood up for Vivien Thomas in his skirmishes against racism, unless his back was to the wall...that is, when Thomas threatened to walk, which he almost did a number of times.   Many recognized what Thomas brought to the team, but because he was Black and not a doctor, Blalock got all the credit.  The name of the procedure, the Blalock-Taussig shunt is for surgeon Blalock and Helen Taussig (Mary Stuart Masterson), a cardiologist who discovered that babies who had a connection between their pulmonary artery and aorta lived longer.  She approached Blalock and Thomas about finding a surgical correction.

Thomas was critical to the development of the procedure, and in fact did the work on the dogs, and coached his boss through his first hundred or so operations on cyanotic babies.  Not to belittle the work of the others, but it should have been some combination of the Thomas-Blalock-Taussig shunt.

One of the residents in these early surgeries was Dr. Denton Cooley, a pioneer in open-heart surgery, cardiopulmonary bypass and heart transplants.  He confirmed that Thomas was key to the development of this early heart surgery, which was considered by many a springboard to other heart surgeries.  It was the first procedure that refuted the notion that it would never be possible to operate on the heart.

By the end of the movie, Vivien Thomas is the head of labaratory services at Johns Hopkins, and in recognition of his work is given an honorary doctorate by Johns Hopkins University.

[Image from The Baltimore Sun]

This fine movie is well worth the investment of a couple of hours of time.  They fly by, anyway.

Ze Silly Joke

It was late at night.  The Parisian thief had planned his crime carefully.  He broke into the Louvre,  stole his carefully selected paintings, got past security, and made it safely to his van.

(This is not as simple as it sounds.  Those of you who read The DaVinci Code know that.)

Unfortunately, his careful planning did not include the aftermath.  He was captured after going a mere two blocks when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a brilliant heist and then make such a rookie mistake.

His response:

"Monsieur, zat is ze reason I stole ze paintings.  I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh."

You probably thought I wouldn't have De Gaulle to share this.  You were wrong.

After all, I have nothing Toulouse.

[Groan.  Thanks, L.C.]

[The Starry Night via  Wikipedia]