In the Headlights

Country Western Singer

by Alan Shapiro

This poem will resonate with everyone who's ever gone through a time when drinking and partying seemed exciting, then found it took its toll.  I was a bartender for about ten years, and any bartender will tell you there are certain regulars who show up every day.  Sometimes all day, every day.  And some tip and some don't.  And some are a pleasure, and some aren't.  If you do it long enough, you can watch your clients, sometimes friends, deteriorate over time.  Not a very long time, either.

I recently visited with a friend from those days.  We were lamenting the premature deaths of most of the regulars in the last bar I worked at, almost all from alcohol-related illnesses, all before their time.

Mr. Shapiro's poem may be called "Country Western Singer," but it sure has broader application.

Here it is:

I used to feel like a new man
After the day's first brew.
But then the new man I became
Would need a tall one too.

As would the new man he became,
And the new one after him
And so on and so forth till the new men made
The dizzy room go dim.

And each one said, I'll be your muse,
I'll trade you song for beer:
He said, I'll be your salt lick, honey,
If you will be my deer.

He said, I'll be your happy hour,
And you, boy, you'll be mine
And mine won't end at six or seven
Or even at closing time.

Yes, son, I'll be your spirit guide;
I'll lead you to Absolut,
To Dewar's, Bushmills and Jamison's,
Then down to Old Tanglefoot.

And there I'll drain the pretense from you
That propped you up so high;
I'll teach you salivation's just
Salvation without the I.

To hear his sweet talk was to think
You'd gone from rags to riches,
Till going from drink to drink became
Like going from hags to bitches,

Like going from bed to barroom stool,
From stool to bathroom stall,
From stall to sink, from sink to stool,
From stool to hospital.

Now the monitors beep like pinball machines,
And coldly the IV drips;
And a nurse runs a moistenend washcloth over
My parched and bleeding lips,

And the blood I taste, the blood I swallow
Is as far away from wine
As 5:10 is for the one who dies
At 5:09.

[From Poetry Daily.  This was today's featured poem.]

[Image from Clip Art Guide]

Komodo Virgin

There were a lot of stories out the last couple of days, about a female Komodo dragon named Flora, who hatched five baby dragons, without the benefit of a male.

Flora was raised in captivity, and never even met a boy Komodo.

This was not a total surprise, though, as there were stories a month or so ago anticipating the birth.  Another Komodo dragon named Sungai had a brood of babies earlier last year without mating with a male.

Following the birth of Flora's babies, mother and offspring were separated, as Komodos are quite omniverous, and there might, in short order, have been no evidence left of this virgin birth.

Parthenogenesis is the means by which certain species normally certain plants, snakes or lizards, can reproduce asexually with eggs developing without fertilization.  Interestingly, unlike humans, Komodo dragon females are heterozygous, and males are homozygous, so that the parthenogenic offspring of the dragon are all male.  This may all be nature's way of improving odds of survival in a rare species.  Sungai, the first female Komodo to produce hatchlings parthenogenically  was later able to mate with a male and produce more sexually, so that they can switch back and forth.  The fact that the offspring are male adds to the odds of subsequent sexual reproduction and genetic variability.

The babies are 12 to 18 inches long apiece and quite cute.  A full-grown Komodo dragon is about ten feet long and weighs about 300 pounds...not all that cute.  They have no natural enemies and can eat large prey like a deer in a single sitting.  The dragons have large amounts of bacteria in their mouths which makes their bite deadly.  They kill their prey by biting them, then tracking them as they rapidly become infected and die.

[Images via China View]

Worst Nightmare

As nightmares go, it just doesn't get any worse (or is it better) than this.

Eric Nerhus, an Australian diver spent a couple of minutes with half his body inside the mouth of a ten-foot Great White shark.

He was diving for abalone with several others when the shark attacked him.

Nerhus says he jabbed his fingers into the shark's eye, then stabbed the eye with a chisel.  The shark nibbled on his face and neck, but when it tried to chomp him in half, its bite was impeded by the lead vest he wore to weigh him down.

His friend, Dennis Luobikis said "he was actually bitten by the head down!  The shark swallowed his head!"

The shark eventually released him.  Friends rushed him to the hospital where he was treated for severe cuts to the face, torso and arm.

Whew!  What a story.

I was always fascinated by sharks, even pre-Jaws.  When I was a kid I'd check out all the books on sharks I could get from the library.  Needless to say, I did not spend much time playing in the ocean after reading that there were recorded shark attacks in three feet of water.

I can't imagine anything more horrifying--okay, maybe the snake pit in Indiana Jones, but I'm not even sure about that.

Almost as amazing is that of the approximately fifteen shark attacks per year in Australian waters, only about one is fatal each year.

That Eric Nerhus sure has him some cojones.

[Photo of Eric Nerhus, pre shark attack, from China Daily]

Cockie Family Values

Jan, who has raised exotic birds for many years, sent us the link to this great story about a wounded bird in Queensland, Australia.  A sulphur crested cockatoo was wounded in an accident and unable to fly.  She was nursed back to health and kept in a cage where she became quite tame.

The story of her friendship and then romance with another cockatoo is lovely, and in fact, this love story rivals many human tales.

Check out "A Tale of Two Cockies."  It has several pages of wonderful annotated photos along with the gripping saga of the Cockie family.  Beautiful birds, and some of the ugliest baby pictures you will ever see.

You'll laugh.  You'll cry.

New Rules for Living

LC sent us some (somewhat cranky) rules to live by in 2007.  Here are my favorites of the batch:

Rule #1)  Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

Rule #2)  Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seaull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it costs less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?  Lobster?

Rule #3)  Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better description for these kids:  "Lucky bastards."

Rule #4)  If you need to shave and still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.  If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  If you're an adult, they're pictures of men.

Rule #5)  There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket.  Water, without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drin.  yo want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.

Rule #6)   Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to "beef with broccoli."  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual, you're just high.

Rule #7)  I don't need bigger M&Ms.  If I'm extra hungry, I'll go nuts and eat two.

Rule #8)  If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old TV shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can switch to the other screens.  Let's remember the reason something was a TV show in the first place was that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

Rule #9)  No more gift registries.  They used to be for weddings.  Now they're for babies and new homes and graduation from rehab.  Picking the stuff you want and having other people buy for you isn't gift giving.  It's a modern version of looting.

Rule #10)  When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months."  "He's two" will do just fine.  He's not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place.

Whew!  I feel so much better for getting that off my chest.  Thanks, LC.

For the Person who Has It All

  The black leather mousepad with a clock, alarm, timer and ten-digit calculator converts currency and does tax calculations. 

Has a gel wrist rest.

A mousepad that requires batteries.  What next?

Does everything but...wait, don't go there...

Don't get me one.  It doesn't even come with the mouse. 

$49 from Frontgate (via Skymall.com)

Pan-Roasted Scallops with Sesame Sauce

Last weekend, I ate out with Sandy and Shirley, and had some great sea scallops, served with lentils.

I love scallops, so I decided to save this recipe and cook them myself next time I crave them.

The recipe is from Health magazine, January/February 2007 and takes 2 minutes to prep and 6 minutes to cook.  It serves 4. 

16 large sea scallops (about 1 3/4 pounds)
1 sliced green onion (white and green sctions reserved separately)
2 garlic cloves, minced (about 1 tablespoon)
2 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
3 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 teaspoon canola oil
1/8 teaspoon black pepper

1.  Remove scallops from the refrigerator and bring them to room temperature (about 10 minutes).  In a small mixing bowl, add the white onion pieces and the next 7 ingredients (through crushed red pepper);  stir with a whsk to combine, and set aside.

2.  Warm the canola oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat.  When hot, add the scallops;  sprinkle scallops with the black pepper.  Cook scallops about 3 minutes on 1 side until golden brown.  Using tongs, flip the scallops and cook 2-3 minutes more until browned.  Transfer scallops to a plate, and cover with foil.   Keep the skillet on the heat.

3.  Whisk the sauce again and add it to the pan.  Cook until the sauce boils and thickens slightly (about 45 seconds); then remove the pan from the heat.  Divide scallops amont 4 plates, drizzle some of the hot sesame sauce over each portion, and garnish with a sprinkle of green onion pieces. 

(246 calories per serving of 4 scallops with 1 1/2 tablespoons of sauce.)

[Image via Outblush]

Wearable Pets

No, I'm not talking about stuffing a small dog into your purse.

Only this:  If you thing Spot or Puff is the cuddliest thing ever, you can wear cloth made from his fur on your skin.

V.I.P. Fibers shows you how to best harvest, store, and ship your pet's hair fibers.  They do the rest.

R.R., who sent us this link asked if anyone needed any fibers, as she had just emptied the vacuum cleaner.  I feel that way myself.  Those vacuum bags sure fill up fast around here.  Though I'm not sure culling the fur fibers out of the dust and dirt is how I want to spend my time.

They do encourage brushing your animal to get the fibers from single-coat breeds or the top and undercoats from double-coat breeds.  They also tell you how to store, weigh and calculate the amount needed for your project.

You can have them make the yarn and send it back to you, or you can commission special projects made with your pet's hair.

Products made with pet hair, like these mittens made from a skein of Golden Retriever, will acquire a "halo" as the shorter fibers give it a fuzzy fullness and warmth.

VIP Fibers will deodorize the fur before sending it back to you in finished form.  In addition, the site contains information on care, cleaning and storage of your favorite knitted goods, whether cashmere or cat.

It strikes me that if I'd started saving Dandelion's hair from his kitten days, I could have a whole wardrobe of grey-and-white, warm clothing by now.

No time like the present to start.

Now where did I leave that brush?

Billboards

Billboards like this would sure make car trips more fun.

See these and many more at dribbleglass.com.

[Sent to us by Shirley.  Thanks!]

Your score is 83%

I went to the "Great Prose or Crap" quiz and correctly identified ten out of twelve quotations as belonging to either Charles Dickens or Edward Bulwer-Lytton. It was tough.

Bulwer-Lytton is commonly acknowledged to be the worst writer in the English La nguage.  His "It was a dark and stormy night." is recognizable to most readers as the embodiment of a lousy opening sentence.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest invites one and all to submit their wretched writing and to take a shot at being recognized as the worst writer of the year.

The site has many wonders:  For "Honest to Gawd" not made up prose examples, go here.

Or browse The Great McGonagall, World's Worst Poet.

Or check out the Bad Sex in Fiction awards.

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) started in 1982.  San Jose State University challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.

Here are the rules of entry.

-Each entry must consist of a single sentence.  You may submit as may entries as you'd like.

-Sentences may be of any length (though you go beyond 50-60 words at your peril), and entries must be original (as it were) and previously unpublished.

-Surface mail entries should be submitted on index cards, the sentence on one side, the entrant's name, address and phone number on the other.

-Email entries should be in the body of the message, NOT in an attachment.  If you are submitting multiple entries, please include them in one message  (and it would be really swell if you submitted your entries in Ariel 12 font.)

-Entries will be judged by categories, from "general" to detective, western, science fiction, romance and so on.  There will be overall winners, as well as category winners.

-The official deadline will be April 15( a date that American's associate with painful submissions and making up bad stories.)  The actual deadline may be as late as June 30.

-The contest accepts submissions every day of the livelong year.

-Wild card rule:  resist temptation to work with puns like "it was a stark and dormy night."

-Finally, in keeping with the gravitas, high seriousness and general bignitude of the contest, the grand prize winner will receive...a pittance.

(but think of the kudos...)

Send your entries to:
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
Department of English

San Jose University

San Jose, CA, 95192-0090

Or, if you're too shy for that, submit them here for general ridicule.

[Image from Bulwer-Lytton.com]