In the Headlights

I'm In Joy

Coconut chocolate bites.

Just like Mounds bars.  Only better.

But instead of giving you one (Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.),

I'll tell you how to make them (Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.).

Though you might not want to eat them for a lifetime.

Thinking about this candy reminded me of the related Almond Joy, and their old ad that included a kid saying "Oh, boy, Almond Joy".  My brother used to hear that and go around declaiming "Oh, boy, I'm in Joy!"

The recipe is from Gourmet Magazine, February 2006.

Coconut Chocolate Bites (makes 32 one-inch candies.

3/4 cup sweetened flaked coconut
3/4 cup unsweetened dried coconut
1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk
3 1/2 to 4 oz. fine quality bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped

Special equipment:  a small offset metal spatula; 32 paper candy cups (optional).

-Line the bottom and two opposite sides of an 8-inch square metal baking pan with a sheet of wax paper, leaving a 2-inch overhang on both sides.

-Mix together coconuts and condensed milk with your fingertips until well combined, then press firmly into the pan in an even layer, using the offset spatula.  Chill, uncovered, 5 minutes.

-Melt chocolate in a metal bowl over a saucepan of barely simmering water or in the top of a double boiler, stirring until smooth.  Spread evenly over the coconut layer with the offset spatula, and chill until firm, 5-7 minutes.

Lift confection onto a cutting board using the overhanging wasx paper, and halve the confection with a sharp knife.  Sandwich the halves together, coconut sides in, chocolate sides out, forming an 8 X 4 inch rectangle.  Remove wax paper and discard.  Cut into 32 one-inch squares.  Arrange in paper cups, or on a platter.  Keep chilled, covered, until ready to serve.

The Weight

By Corey Mesler

I carry your smile around
as if it were a cow's heart.
Ungainly and feral,
I am the man exposed;
they point, the settled ones.
In the quiet of my den
I lay out the dessicated husks
and detritus I collect
each day in my peregrinations.

But your smile,
your slippery smile, stays on me always.
Even as I sleep and dream
of a man with the heart
of a large animal,  a man
whose pain is so noticeable no one
pities him, not in this town.

 

[Poem from nycBigCityLit]

[Illustration from getunderground.com]

Where's the Tipping Point?

A question from a physics final?

Quote from someone searching for their favorite Malcolm Gladwell book?

No.

A handy guide from Budget Travel Magazine (and BudgetTravelOnline.com) explaining how much to tip in certain situations and why?

Yes.

Face it.  Even on your home turf you're sometimes stymied by the tipping question.  So what if you're on vacation and your dinner at a Munich bistro costs $25.  Or you've been playing blackjack in Vegas for a few hours and hit two blackjacks in a row.  How about checking into a traditional ryokan in Japan when the maid brings tea and a snack to your room.

Beats me.  That's why I rely on outside help.

Click on the link above, and copy the guide, then carry its tattered remains everywhere in your fanny pack as you travel, confident that you won't let down the home team by under--or over--tipping.

[Illustration from refocus-now.com]

A Dog Writes to God

If a cat may look at a king, may a dog not look to God?  Indeed.

If he did, here's what he might say.

Dear God:

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell each other?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  or is it still the same old story.

Why are there cars named for the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, the
rabbit, but not one named for a dog?  How often do you see a cougar riding around?  We, on the
other hand, love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers,
scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths.  What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Are there mailmen in Heaven?  If there are, will I have to apologize?

God, let me give you a list of some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

    1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it, or after they throw it up.

    2. I will not roll on dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

    3. I will not munch on leftovers from the litterbox, even though they are tasty.

    4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

    5. The sofa is not a facecloth.  Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

    6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

    7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

    8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in the car for Mom's license and registration.

    9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he is on the toilet.

   10. Sticking my nose in someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello".

   11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

   12. I must shake the rainwater out of my coat before coming into the house.

   13. I will not throw up in the car.  (But where?)

   14. I will not enter the house and immediately drag my butt.

   15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

   16. The cat is not a "squeaky toy" so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it is not good.

     And God, how come humans only have ten Commandments but dogs have sixteen?

     Finally, God, when I get to Heaven, can I have my testicles back?

     Rover

[Images from Mooseyscountrygarden.com]

[from Jackie, via RR]

 

Improve your Gas Mileage

With Car Talk's Guide to Better Fuel Economy.

When Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers talk, people listen.  Why?  Because they impart valuable information in as funny a way as possible. What could be better?  Here, each tip is accompanied by a gas pump rating from one to five, so you can pick which ones have the most impact on you.

Here are the highlights.  Go to their link to read the details.

Part 1:  Not Driving, Driving Less, or Driving Something Else.
--Walk, Bicycle, Crawl or Take the Subway.                                           
--Choose a more efficient vehicle                                                                              
--Carpool with the Yutz Next Door, or Use Public Transportation                
--Join a Car Co-op                                                                                  
--Talk Your Boss into Allowing You to Work from Home One Day a Week    

Part 2:  Driving Tips
--Use Regular Gas Instead of Premium                                                      
--Slow Down
--Don't Linger in Low Gears
--Don't Try to Increase Your Speed when Climbing a Hill
--Use Regular Gas Instead of Premium
--Anticipate Stops-and Brake Less
--Dump the Roof Rack
--Stop Your Idling
--Leave Heavy Objects at Home
--Turn Off the AC When It's Not Hot Out
--Stop and Ask Directions

Part 3-Maintenance Tips
--Check Your Tire Pressure
--Get Your Car Serviced Regularly
--Use the Right Grade Oil

Don't drive an

[Autoglutton Porcina from Dorking Labs]

Geography Zone

A friend turned me on to this site a few days ago, and darned if I didn't go to it and spend about two hours getting my butt kicked.

Specifically, I did the Geography Challenge, wherein you are asked to identify a country on a map.  You click on a country, or on an arrow pointing at where that country is (if it is a group of islands, or too small to have its own color).That's all.  Simple, right?  France, Spain, the U.S., Canada.  Oh yeah, you're hot now!

OK, how about Uzbekistan, Chad, Equatorial Guinea.  Those are extremes.  It's the middle ones that are frustrating.  Bangladesh.  Right next to India.  OK.  Which country right next to India.

So while I frequently knew the continent a country was on and even the general area, I often clicked on the country next to the one I sought.

(Maddening.  Wait.  Give me another chance.)

And so it went as I played over and over.

Bottom line, I learned quite a bit.  By the end, I knew exactly where Equatorial Guinea was.  I knew I couldn't identify the former Soviet Republics to save my life.  Most of the countries in Africa I could locate in general, but usually couldn't pinpoint.

You should try it.  It'll teach you humility.  And it's fun.

Here's Equatorial Guinea.  I threw in Sao Tome and Principe and the others as lagniappe.

[Thanks, J.H.)

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics

Two rednecks are in the woods hunting, when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground.   His eyes roll into his head, and he doesn't appear to be breathing.

His friend whips out his cell phone and dials 911.  He tells the operator "Bubba's down.  I'm pretty sure he's dead."

The operator responds in a cool voice "Sir, just take it easy and follow my instructions.  First, make sure he's 'dead'."

There's silence.  Then a shot is heard.

The hunter's voice comes back on the line.  "Okay, now what?"

*     *     *     *     *

This joke cracked me up, even though I'd heard it before.

[Thanks, Dee Ray]

[Illustration from All Hat and No Cattle]

Cute Overload. No Kidding.

"At Cute Overload, we scour the web for only the finest in Cute Imagery.  Imagery that is Worth Your Internet Browsing Time (sic). We offer an overwhelming amount of cuteness to fill your daily visual allowance.  Drink it in!"

 

If you need a lift that only intense cuteness can provide.

[from Laura Capitano]

The Wind in Your Hair, the Salt Spray in Your Face

Do you fantasize about cruising?  Have you ever been on a cruise?  Did it live up to your expectations?

I guess expectations change.  My husband and I went on a couple of weekenders many years ago.  We drank pina coladas and lay in the sun.  Flopped into the pool when it got hot.  Read.  Saw some mediocre comedy and musical acts.  Ate about 10 meals a day.  After a couple days of that, you don't look so darned hot in your new bikini, is all I have to say.  The port stops disembarked for involved the same round of duty-free shops and jaded tourist destinations.

Last year, after many years on dry land, I took an Alaska cruise that was also a business trip.  The scenery was wonderful.  I no longer felt compelled to get my fare back in groceries, and spent a lot of time reading on deck.  But the fact that every day I had stuff to do for the meeting is what made it great.  It filled my day so that during my few free hours, I could relish the things a cruise ship has to offer, and not get bored with them.

The ports were same-old,same-old.  Small towns built on tourism, and the same round of jewelry stores and souvenir shops I had seen in the Bahamas.  In fact, the owner of one of the stores told me that in the summer, they opened their Alaska shop, and when the weather got cold and the cruise ships stopped coming, they wintered in Nassau, where they sold the same goods in their store there.

This is not to say some of the excursions weren't fun, but it could be so much more.

Cut to:  the Eco-cruise.  I have always enjoyed looking at the glossy booklets I received from the Sierra Club and others offering cruises on small ships to beautiful, wild and isolated places where you can hike, explore and commune with the wildlife (at camera length, anyway).

The December, 2005 issue of Gourmet magazine (I've said it before.  I'm a little behind in my reading.  I blame it on Sudoku.) has a lovely article called "How Green Is My Galley" by Laura Fraser.

I tried to link the article itself but couldn't find it on either the Gourmet site or Ms. Fraser's.

She writes of taking a cruise on the Sea of Cortes aboard Lindblad Expeditions' 152-foor ship the Sea Bird which carried five dozen passengers and a crew of seamen, naturalists, chefs. 

In addition to beautiful scenery, whales, sea lions and mobulae, she was surprised to find meals that were refreshing, delicious and ...eco-minded.  The last thing, unfortunately, that you expect to find on a cruise.  Her words:

"But aboard the Sea Bird, I find myself dining on crisp organic greens for lunch, local mangoes for dessert, and fresh, simple food with a Mexican accent all week--Baja fish with pipian verde sauce, roasted pork with ancho chiles, fajitas filled with grass-fed beef.  I keep identifying endemic food specialties on the snack table--pitaya cactus sorbet pops, Mexican pastries, home-made tamales, and corn bread torta de elote with a variete of chile jams.  Cocktail hour?  I like it when someone juices an organic Baja-grown lime straight into my Margarita."

Owner Sven Lindblad's philosophy of ecological responsibility extends to the menu.  The food is good and fresh.  They serve local products whenever possible (logistics of being at sea dictate that it is not always possible), and avoid introducing foreign plants and animals into the fragile ecosystems they visit. Only fish and meat that have been responsibly fished or raised are used.  Thus, you won't see shrimp or Chilean sea bass (aka Patagonian toothfish) on your plate.

"After a few days on the Sea Bird, I am no longer surprised by the food, just as it seems perfectly normal to see a whale drift by my cabin window." Activities include "exploring island arroyos on foot, kayaking a deserted bay, snorkeling, or, for those with limited mobility, cruising the waters in a Zodiac boat, or inspecting tide pools brimming with starfish and sea anemones."

"One morning, gazing over the dimpled sea, we spot the long, languorous roll of a blue whale;  as big as 15 African elephants, this is the largest creature on earth.  She and her calf play tag with the boat as the captain maneuvers to get us a better view.  Finally, she comes in close and shows us her flukes, 16 feet across, with a resounding splash good-bye."

*     *     *     *     *

Now you're talkin'.  This is my idea of heaven, and I'm adding it to my lengthening list of places to go and things to do, now that I am a travelling fool again.  I guess it means I'm finally growing up.

Bush Haiku

In which we present a short poem made up of quotations from George W. Bush, arranged, for aesthetic purposes only  by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.

ahem...

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

[Thanks to BF for sending on this wonderful poem.]

[Illustration from A Perfect World (ironic, no?)]