In the Headlights

Carl Hiaasen, Florida's Conscience

I love Carl Hiaasen.  His books contain more laugh-out-loud moments per page than any others I can think of.  His specialty is black humor, so you find yourself laughing at the most horrifyingly ludicrous situations imaginable.

A new colleague and his family moved here recently from Wisconsin.  When I met his wife, I recommended Hiaasen as de rigueur to understanding life in this state.  To my delight, she was already reading his latest novel.  Then I had to make sure she next reads my personal favorites--some of his earlier work, each of which I have read more than once (rare for me).  More than that, every time I go to my favorite used-books store, Black Sheep Books, I stock up on Tourist Season, Double Whammy and Skin Tight, so that I can pass them out to the uninitiated.

I first ran across Carl Hiaasen through his column in the Miami Herald, when I lived in Miami. So when his first solo novel, Tourist Season was published, I was one of the first in line to get it.

The theme of Tourist Season is more like "open season on tourists" than the more conventional take.  Double Whammy satirizes and demolishes the bass fishing circuit while also taking pot shots on evangelism.  It contains one of the most horrifyingly funny subplots involving a crook who can't get a dead pit bull to release his arm.  Skin Tight follows the adventures of a criminally inept plastic surgeon (I remember some news stories when I lived in Miami that may have inspired this "novel").  

I feel that Hiaasen's later novels cut some corners and are not as funny as these earlier ones. By that I mean that maybe he had deadlines to meet and rushed things a bit.  I don't know. Having said that, though, I have read almost all of his books, and find that even when he is not at his best, he tops just about everyone else.

His first three books were written with Bill Montalbano.  I have read two of those, Powder Burn and Trap Line, and enjoyed them immensely. I have not read A Death in China.  Largely because I don't think I have seen it anywhere.  Aside from that, the only things of his I have not read are his column collections, and children's books (he won a Newbery Award for his novel Hoot).

Hiaasen came to my town last year and spoke in a college auditorium.  I got there about 5 minutes into the introduction, and found standing-room only.  Worth the stand, though.  He speaks about what he knows:  The inanity and humor in the news in Florida.  Nothing is sacred.  As in his novels, politicians and developers take a lot of heat, as do amusement parks, lawyers, doctors, and garden variety idiots.  His crooks tend to meet their demise in amazingly funny and gruesome ways.

His novel, Strip Tease, was made into a motion picture starring Demi Moore.  Filming of Skinny Dip is scheduled to beging in April, 2006.

Less well known is Team Rodent.  This is an expose of the behind-the-scenes workings in the development and running of Disney World.  Basically, it is disturbing, upsetting, disgusting and alarming.  This is not Hiaasen's fault.  He is just reporting on what he found looking under the rocks at one of the world's most popular tourist destinations.  My only quibble--the book's too short. 

Lastly, I have in my possession a small volume called Naked Came the Manatee. This novel has 13 authors, with Dave Barry opening it up with chapter 1.  It was then passed through the hands of eleven South Florida writers, with each writing a chapter before passing it to the next. It was finished by Hiaasen.  The others:  Elmore Leonard, John Dufresne, Les Standiford, Paul Levine, Tananarive Due, James W. Hall, Caroline Hospital, Evelyn Mayerson, Brian Antoni, Vicki Hendricks and Edna Buchanan.  The one I bought was signed by all the authors.  I'm guessing there are a number of those out there, but I am delighted to be proud owner of one of them. 

Carl Hiaasen's books are available from Amazon and in most book stores.

Her Long Illness by Donald Hall

Daybreak until nightfall,
he sat by his wife at the hospital
while chemotherapy dripped
through the catheter into her heart.
He drank coffee and read
the Globe.  He paced; he worked
on poems; he rubbed her back
and read aloud.  Overcome with dread,
they wept and affirmed
their love for each other, witlessly,
over and over again.
When it snowed one morning Jane gazed
at the darkness blurred
with flakes.  They pushed the IV pump
which she called Igor
slowly past the nurses' pods, as far
as the outside door
so that she could smell the snowy air.

It's a Dog's World

Aphorisms about man's best friend.  The cat.  No, wait, that's wrong.  It is, isn't it? 

*     *     *     *     *

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverence, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few people.
-James Thurber

If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.  That is the difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

Merry Christmas

It's a beautiful day here in North Florida.  Nary a snowflake to be seen. The camelias are in bud, the cat is eating ribbon (I look forward to the aftermath) and there is wrapping paper as far as the eye can see.

My folks have been here.  We opened presents and ate Christmas stollen, and cookies and drank coffee.  I received many lovely gifts and a few phone calls, a couple of e-mails.  I feel so lucky to have such good friends, old and new, and a loving family.

My folks passed to me custody of a beautiful piece that was a gift to them decades ago from very good friends.  It is a large piece of carved malachite from Zaire, with three carved eggs that nest in it.  Sadly, it being the way of things at the time, three grooves were carved into it to receive cigarettes.  Thus, the beautiful sculpture is an ashtray.  I intend to see if I can get the grooves gently smoothed out (By someone else.  I am not that gutsy).

The music:  "Christmas" by the Vienna Boys' Choir, with Hermann Prey and Placido Domingo.  I love Domingo's voice, but Prey's bass-baritone voice steals the show (and my heart--I love a man with a deep voice.  Nice eyes don't hurt, either). Sadly, he succumbed to a heart attack in 1998.

Anyway.  Better get crackin' in the kitchen.  Have a large center cut pork loin, bone in to prepare and cauliflower au gratin, and salad.  Mom's making an apple tart for dessert.

Austerity begins in one week.  Let the countdown begin.

Happy Holidays to You and Yours

Department of Wretched Excess

Just took a spin around the neighborhood to look at the lights.  Sad to see darkness at one house south of here that has always had tasteless, over-the-top decorations.  I hope everything is OK.  Anyway, here are a few examples--minus the motion and the music.

 

These next two were rather nice:

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HAPPY CHANUKAH

Lawyers, and the Men/Women Who Love Them

My friend Sandy is a lawyer.  I try to overlook this flaw, but she feels that I do her an injustice when I say innocuous things like "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers", and otherwise besmirch her chosen profession.

So Sandy has provided me with a swell little book called Legal Briefs, by Michael D. Shook and Jeffrey D. Meyer.  It is full of data, anecdotes, jokes and minutiae about lawyers and the law.  In other words, it is a gold mine, and I intend to start picking (and grinning).

Let's see.  Is that quote about killing the lawyers from the Bible, or Shakespeare?  Shakespeare wins.  Henry VI, Part 2, Act IV, Scene 2.  Taken prima facie, it sounds perhaps detrimental to lawyers. 

Per Shook and Meyer (and Sandy):"Not true! On the contrary, in Henry VI, Part 2, the line is uttered by the contemptible Dick the Butcher, who suggests to Cade, an equally despicable character, that by getting rid of the barristers, bedlam and chaos would occur, and thereby support their conspiracy to overthrow the king."

Darn.  another deeply held belief bites the dust.

"Brush up your Shakespeare, start (mis)quoting him now."  Cole Proter, from "Kiss Me, Kate".

Look for much more about lawyers coming soon to a blog near you.

I have another good lawyer friend, Lenny. I seem to have lawyers like some people have roaches.  (Hmm.  Better not go there.  Sorry, friends.)

[Image above, John Cleese with gravitas.]

The Hard Questions/Repost

I think this is hilarious.

Check Out My New Numbers.  An essay by Partricia Marx in  TIME, December 19, 2005

After a cascade of opinion polls showed that George W. Bush's popularity had descended to an all-time low, the most recent numbers reflect a slight improvement for the President.  Despite those gains, however, Bush's approval rating (40% last week) remains dismal.  So why is President Bush happy?  "Well, according to those expert fellows," the President might explain, "the margin of error on these things is really small, so that means we're making less errors, and that's a good sign.  And here's something else that folks should keep in mind.  There hasn't been a big hurricane in this country in a couple of days, so we're achieving  victory status on that too.  But the really good news is that in terms of the polls that my people in the White House have totally made up, I'm actually doing fantastic."  A sample:

69% of heads of families who saved $1 million or more because of the President's tax laws enthusiastically support the President's tax laws.

56% of voters think Bush did not intentionally deceive the American public about the reasons he went into the Food Emporium.

Experts tell us that according to a random sampling conducted at zoos around the country, most chimpanzees are disinclined to voice any objection to the way the President pronounces the word nuclear.

100% of Americans 18 months or younger seem to give the impression that they are not disappointed by U.S. negotiations with North Korea over, oh, something or other

96% of the Wilmerding family in Akron, Ohio, think Bush is doing a really terriffic job as President.

51% of scientists believe the Big Bang led to greater upheaval in the world than the American invasion of Iraq.

57% of senior citizens say the President leads "strongly and decisively" when it comes to the bunny hop.

62% of educators are pretty sure that the President is smarter than SpongeBob, but not smarter than Dan Quayle.

Only 2% of Americans who have at least four years of college education blame George W. Bush for the defeat of our country in Vietnam.

87% of the ranchers in Montana say they are in favor of the way the President handles dry brush and scrub on the Crawford ranch.

51% of those who watch the nightly news see nothing wrong with Bush's green windbreaker with light blue lining.

23% who filled out the questionnaire on Whitehouse.gov believe the President was involved in the breakup of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

58% of the top brass in the U.S. military say hip-hip hooray to the President for his refusal to set an artificial timetable for withdrawing security guards from Home Depot.

97% of stem cells zealously endorse the President's stem-cell policies.

86% of the ExxonMobil manangement are of the opinion that we should stay the course in Iraq until the last drop of oil is pumped.

99% of some people we know believe a certain person in the press who leaked the name of the Vice President of the U.S. to the American public should be prosecuted.

49% of Jenna Bush's friends approve of the wet bar on her grandfather's boat in Kennebunkport.

63% of the Bush clan think there are all too many Barbaras and Georges in the family, but they do not wish to get rid of any of them.

An overwhelming majority of both Democrats and Republicans agree with Donald Rumsfeld's recent statement:  "There is compelling evidence that al-Qaeda is linked to al-Qaeda".

Curtains Redux

Connie has done it again.  When we picked out material for my curtains a few month ago, we picked some out for a second set.  The first, light colored for Spring and Summer, the second, a little darker and richer.  And they're up for the holidays.  We didn't have to hang any hardware or mess with power tools this time.  I say this almost sadly, as we had such fun doing it.  The wine didn't hurt either, of course.

This time, Connie incorporated some design elements that she had gotten from a fancy curtain magazine (Yep.  There are magazines just about curtains, and the people who love them.)

Here you can see the material of the curtains, with the satin panels she inserted in the middle, and the satin also woven through the top, which you can see better here:

I love the way it looks.

Next project:  duvet covers.

Made by Connie, of course.

I have no skills here.

It's like the saying:  "It's better to have a friend with a boat than to own a boat yourself"--well, maybe it's better to have a friend who sews...

Thanks again, Con...

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

[Illustration courtesy of B.B.]

Every year the "Seasons' Greetings vs. Merry Christmas" Nazis come out of the woodwork en force. I refer to extremists on both sides. Witness this rant from the normally mild-mannered (HA!)Armaedes.

The actual date of Christ's birth may have been January 6.  Or maybe April 2.  But since long before the birth of Christ, people have celebrated the Winter Solstice.

This time of year, when the shortest day occurs, followed by the gradual lengthening of the days, has been celebrated in many cultures, as far back as we can study.  The ancient Mesopotamians celebrated with 12 days of festivities to tame the monsters of chaos for another year.

Stonehenge, the first structures of which were built around 3000 BCE (Before the Common Era--another controversy, anyone?).  The sun's relation to the Heel Stone marks both the summer and winter solstices.

Many cultures and religions celebrate the solstices with fire and candles, signifying the return of the light.   The Greek god of rebirth, Dionysus carries a tapering coniferous tree.  And celebrations are associated with feasting and gifting.

What am I saying?  Just this.  Christianity recognizes this time of year as the birth of its savior.  Many other religions and cultures celebrate this time of year with its very ancient roots.  For any group to claim ownership of this holiday is ludicrous.  So it's OK with me if Christians want to celebrate.  It's OK also for Jews, Wiccans, Hottentots, vegetarians, atheists, motorcycle gangs and one-eyed-purple-people eaters.  We're all subject to the shortening and the lengthening of the days.

This is about inclusion, folks, not exclusion.  Call it what you want.  Celebrate it as you will, within the bounds of decency (and who gets to decide what that is, hum?) and legality, and please, let others do the same.

I'm so tired about the argument about who "owns" this time of year. It's inane.

Happy Holidays, Y'all!

Anagrammer by Peter Pereira

If you believe in the magic of language,
then Elvis really Lives
and Princess Diana foretold I end as car spin.

If you believe the letters themselves
contain a power within them,
then you understand
what makes outside tedious.
how desperation becomes a rope ends it.

The circular logic that allows senator to become treason,
and treason to become atoners.

That eleven plus two is twelve plus one,
and an admirer is also married.

That if you could just re-arrange things the right way
you'd find your true life,
the right path, the answer to your questions:
you'd understand how the Titanic
turns into that ice tin,
and debit card becomes bad credit.

How listen is the same as silent,
and not one letter separates stained from sainted.