In the Headlights

Christmas Stollen

This is a favorite alternative to sweet fruitcake.  It is a German yeast bread with candied fruits and nuts.  My husband used to gild the lily by smearing butter all over it. When you see how much butter is in it, you will understand.  I have made a few small adjustments to the recipe.  Nothing substantive.

I keep a shaker of powdered sugar and sprinkle it over the slices before eating it.  The bread also freezes well, so you can save any uneaten part and enjoy it over time.

One reason I am making this now is that I found some candied angelica in Scotland.  This is very hard to find, but the recipe works fine without it as well. (Angelica goes back to medieval times and is said to protect against plague.  If you happen to need this protection, you'd better seek out some.)

I copied this recipe years ago from my mother's Time-Life Foods of the World series. 

Ingredients:

1/2 cup seedlesss raisins   
1/2 cup dried currants
1 cup mixed candied citrus peel
1/4 cup candied angelica, cut into 1/4 inch dice
1/2 cup candied cherry halves
1/2 cup rum
1/4 cup lukewarm water (110-115 degrees)
2 packages of yeast
3/4 cup plus one pinch of sugar
5 1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp. all purpose flour
1 cup milk
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. almond extract
1/2 tsp. finely grated lemon peel
2 eggs at room temperature
3/4 cup (1 and 1/2 stick) unsalted butter, cut into 1/4 inch bits and softened
8 tbsp. (1 stick) melted unsalted butter
1 cup blanched slivered almonds
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar

Combine the raisins, currants, candied citrus peel, angelica and cherries in a bowl.  Pour the rum over them, tossing the fruit to coat the pieces evenly.  Soak for at least one hour.

Pour the lukewarm water into a small bowl and sprinkle it with the yeast and a pinch of sugar.  Let the mixture stand for 2-3 minutes, then stir to dissolve the yeast completely.  Set the bowl in a warm, draft-free place (such as a turned-off oven) for 5 minutes, or until the mixture almost doubles in volume.

Meanwhile, drain the fruit, reserving the rum, and carefully pat the pieces completely dry with paper towels.  Place the fruit in a bowl, sprinkle it with 2 tablespoons of flour, and toss lightly with a spoon until the flour is completely absorbed.  Set aside.

In a heavy 2 quart saucepan, combine the milk, 1/2 cup of sugar and the salt.  Heat to lukewarm (110-115 degrees) stirring constantly until the sugar dissolves.  It should just feel warm--like baby bottle temperature, for example.  Off the heat, stir in the reserved rum, almond extract, fresh lemon peel, and finally, the yeast mixture.

Place 5 cups of flour in a large bowl, and with a fork, stir in the yeast mixture, a cup or so at a time.  Beat the eggs until frothy, and stir them into the dough.  Then beat in the bits of softenend butter.   Gather the dough into a ball and place it on a board sprinkled with the remaining 1/2 cup of flour.  Knead the dough for about 15 minutes, or until all the flour is incorporated and the dough is smooth and elastic. 

If you have a mixer with a dough hook, now would be a great time to use it.

When the dough is nice and elastic, press the fruit and almond into it, 1/3 cup or so at a time, but do not overhandle or the dough will discolor.  Coat a deep bowl (I use a heavy bowl, and actually stick it in the microwave for a few seconds to take the chill off.) with 1 tsp. of melted butter, and place the dough in the bowl.  Brush the top with another 2 tsp. (or just put all the butter in the bowl and roll it around until coated.) and cover with a clean dish towel.  Place in a warm, draft-free place for about two hours, or until the dough is double in bulk.

Punch the dough down and divide it into two equal parts.  Allow them to rest for ten minutes.  Roll the pieces out into strips about 12 inches long, 8 inches wide and 1/2 inch thick. Brush each strip with 2 tbsp. of melted butter, and sprinkle with 2 tbsp. sugar.  Fold each lengthwise by bringing one long side to to just across the middle.  Fold the other side across until it overlaps the first side by about one inch.  This gives you a long, thin loaf.  Press the edge gently to keep it in place.  With lightly floured hands, gently taper the ends of the loaf and pat the sides to make the bread nice and thick in the center.  A finished loaf should be about 3 1/2 to 4 inches wide and about 13 inches long.

With a pastry brush, coat the bottom of a sheet pan (11 X 17" or so) with 2 tbsp. of melted butter.  Set the loaves on the pan, and place in a warm, draft-free area for about 1 hour or until doubled in bulk.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Bake the bread in the middle of the oven for 45 minutes, or until golden brown and crusty.  Transfer to wire racks to cool completely.

Before serving, sprinkle with sifted confectioners' sugar (put some in a big salt shaker and you can just shake it out.  Much easier).

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

I have heard author David Sedaris reading his essays on NPR, and they always struck me with their wit, gentle (not always) humor and accurate protrayal of family dynamics.

When I first picked up this book and read a couple of essays, I wasn't enthralled.  But I kept coming back, and by the time I had worked through the first thirty pages or so, my enthusiasm was strong, and my outbursts of laughter were scaring the cats.  I guess it just took me a while to get to know his family.

By the end, I was crying with laughter as David tries to drown a mouse maimed by   a trap.  He has it in a bucket on his porch at 3 AM as a van full of lost tourists pulls up in front of his house looking for directions.  I guess you had to be there.  And, of course, you can be there by reading his book.

He asks his sister Lisa "So, really, how are you?"  "I'd asked her the same question and she'd said 'Oh, fine.  You know.' She's afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I'll only turn around and write about it.  In my mind, I'm like a friendly junkman, building things from the little pieces of scrap I find here and there, but my family's started to see things differently.  Their personal lives are the so-called pieces of scrap I so casually pick up, and they're sick of it.  More and more often their stories begin with the line 'You have to swear you will never repeat this.'  I always promise, but it's generally understood that my word means nothing."   

Take heed you bloggers out there.

David and his brother walk on the beach after his brother's wedding, with Paul's little pug Venus.  David searches for something meaningful and memorable to say to Paul.  He wants to "force a moment out of it."

Venus squats in the grass, "producing a mound of peanut-sized turds.  'Aren't you going to clean that up?  I asked.'  Paul pointed to the ground and whistled for the Great dane, which thundered across the lawn and ate the feces in one bite.  'Tell me that was an accident,' I said.  'Accident, hell.  I got this motherfucker trained,' he said.  'Sometimes he'll stick his nose to her ass and just eat that shit on tap."

"Forget the tears and brotherly speeches, this was the stuff that memories are made of."

Paul figures prominently, as do David's parents, and his sisters Lisa, Gretchen and Tiffany.  But you have to love the time Paul defrosted some chicken wings, decided they smelled like fish and threw them in the trash.  "A few hours later, having decided that spoiled chicken was better than no chicken at all, he got out of bed, stepped outside in his underpants, and proceeded to eat the leftovers directly from the garbage cans."

In case you can't tell, Paul is my favorite.

David is fastidious, and his near-priggishness heightens your delight as he discusses such things as listening to a man talk on a cell phone as he is seated on a toilet at La Guardia Airport.  He tells his sister Tiffany about it, and asks her "How do you explain the noise?"  She adopted the strained, broken voice commonly associated with heavy lifting. "I say, 'Don't mind me.  I'm just trying to get the...lid off this...jar.'"  And he is reminded of the times he made helpful suggestions to her --"try tapping the lid against the countertop." or "Rinse it in hot water, that sometimes helps."

If these things crack you up, you'll love this book. 

Time's Amazing Inventions

Time Magazine just did their annual Amazing Inventions issue for 2005.  They awarded "invention of the year" to Snuppy, the Afghan puppy cloned an ear cell from another Afghan.  He is very cute and very healthy.

Some of my favorites from the article:

Topsy-Turvy Planter: This upside-down planter allows you to grow tomatoes on a balcony or deck. You fill the bag with potting soil, add a vine growing fruit or vegetable (watermelon, anyone?)  Mount the hook and add water and fertilizer.  As someone who tries almost every year to grow tomatoes, only to lose them to caterpillar or rot, this sounds great.  And it is available.  For more information, check here.

LifeStraw:  "The LifeStraw, a beefed-up drinking straw designed by the Swiss-based company Vestergaard Frandsen, uses seven types of filters, including mesh, active carbon and iodine, to make 185 galons of water clean enough to dring.  It can prevent waterborne illnesses such as typhoid and diarrhea, that kill at least 2 million people every year in the developing world."   Should be a household item in many countries of the world. 

Perfect for world travelers, backwoods hikers, and disaster victims.

This is one great idea.

HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb): A robotic exoskeleton to help the elderly and diabled walk and lift heavy objects.  A computer housed in a backpack learns the wearer's gait and posture.  Bioelectric sensors pick up signals from thebrain to the muscles.  Amazingly, a commercial version is in the works, to sell for $14,000 to 19,000.  This invention, if it works, will help people stay safe and independent.  Wonderful.  My question is:  Who helps you get into it?  HAL is here.

The future is now.

 

Nemo Equipment's Hypno tent:  If you are a camper, listen up.  This tent has inflatable support arches that are inflated by a foot pump to give a rigid frame.  The company says the tent can be erected in less that a minute.  Time's test took 48 seconds!

Sleeptracker :  I love this one.  The Sleeptracker watch is an alarm clock that has  built-in motion detector and can tell whether you are in a deep or light part of your sleep cycle.  You program a 20 minute or so window of when you would like to get up, and the Sleeptracker's alarm will awaken you when you are in the lightest phase.  No more being pulled out of a great REM dream to face work. $149.

Hand Roll Piano:  Silicone-rubber  keyboard spreads to about 3 feet in length, has keys an eighth of an inch thick and weighs 2-lbs.  It's computer technology allows you to play the keyboard for up to 15 hours on two AA batteries.  It plugs into a computer and has a built-in speaker.  Perfect for that person in your life who thinks they can get by without practicing the piano just because there isn't a piano around.  Here's the website.

Click on the site in the first paragraph to read more about these inventions, and all the others that didn't make my cut.

Playing with Words

Laura sent me these.  The first batch I had never heard, and found some of them hilarious, all of them pretty entertaining. It's amazing how much of our humor revolves around coffee or proctologists.

I had seen many in the second set, but still find them entertaining..

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From the Washington Post, the results of the contest in which readers were asked take a word and alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter. 

1.   Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2.   Foreploy (v.):  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3.   Cashtration (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4.   Giraffiti (n.):  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5.   Sarchasm (n.):  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6.  Inoculatte (v.):  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7.   Hipatitis (n.):  Terminal coolness.

8.   Osteopornosis (n.):  A degenerate disease.

9.   Karmageddon (n.):  It's like, when eerybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, likem the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer.

10.  Decafalon (n.):  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11.  Glibido (v.):  All talk and no action.

12.  Dopeler effect (n.):  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14.  Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15.  Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a grup in the fruit you're eating.

16.  Ignoranus (n.):  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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Another Washington Post contest, in which readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

1.   Coffee (n.):  The person who is coughed upon.

2.   Flabbergasted (adj.):  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3.   Abdicate (v):  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.  (see 2)

4.   Esplanade (v.):  To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.   Willy-nilly (adj.):  Impotent.

6.   Negligent (adj.):  Describing a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7.   Lymph (v.):  To walk with a lisp.

8.   Gargoyle (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.   Flatulence (n.):  Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle (n.):  A humorous question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.):  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon (n.):  A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.):  A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15.  Circumvent  (n.):  An opening in the front of the boxer shorts wourn by Jewish men.

Update on Cedarhill Sanctuary

After Hurricane Katrina last August, I did a post about Cedarhill Animal Sancturary (a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization) located in New Caledonia, Mississippi. While they are not located on the gulf, they did sustain significant damage during the storm.  Understandably the bulk of donations in the aftermath went to aid the humans devastated by the hurricane.  Many animals suffered and were left homeless by the storm, and there are many stories of heroic efforts to rescue them.

I have been a donor to this sanctuary for several years, and continue to be amazed and gratified by the selflessness and love demonstrated by Kay McElroy and her colleagues in helping abused and homeless wild and domestic animals.  Needless to say, their suffering is often inflicted by humans (the animals', not Kay's. Or maybe both).

In addition to caring for their own animals (lions, tigers, bobcats, horses, pigs and domestic cats   and dogs, off the top of my head), they gave a home to 40 cats left homeless by the hurricane, and managed to raise enough money to take 4000 pounds of dog and cat food to Ovett, MS., which had been without electricity for two weeks at that point.

In addition to maintaining the physical plant for such an operation, and providing healthcare and food for the animals, Cedarhill continues to expand to provide comfortable homes for a continuously increasing population of homeless creatures. 

They desperately need donations.  In addition, their vehicles all seem to have over 200,000 miles on the. Please check out their website (links above).  If you able to donate (a truck would be nice), you can do so through the website.  Contact information is here:

C. Kay McElroy
Executive Director
Cedarhill Animal Sanctuary, Inc.
144 Sanctuary Loop
Caledonia, MS 39740
"http://www.cedrhill.org/"
(662) 356-0084 - Desk
(662) 549-5318 - Cell
(662) 356-4072 - Fax

The last mailing from Kay included a copy of a letter from Ardeth Bell, a Cedarhill supporter from New Jersey, who was in New Orleans from September 24 through October 1, volunteering for animal search and rescue after Katrina.

She spent her time working 17 hour days at a Winn Dixie in New Orleans,two miles from Lake Ponchartrain.  She started in rescue--trying to entice frightened, hungry and confused animals (many pit bulls) so that they could be taken in for care.  After a couple of days, she realized her talents were better put to use in caring for the animals after they were brought to the shelter.

They cared for 80 to 100 animals a day--, feeding them, bathing them, walking them and then saying good-bye as they were transported to ther sites after they were stabilized, making room for more.

On her way back to New Jersey, Ardeth stopped to visit Cedarhill (which is not open to the public--she arranged it with Kay), and to meet her foster cat, Alexis the tiger.

She also met Phoebe, a blind tiger, and the blind horse Flash, who now has a companion, a  blind horse named Bartimus.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that without caring individuals like Kay and Ardeth, many of these animals would not have stood a chance, and would, in fact, be dead.

That's why I'm getting my checkbook out.

Lives of the Poets by Louis Simpson

Dickinson had a cockatoo
she called Semiramis
and loved dearly.

Whitman was a trencherman.
his favorite dish
a mulligan stew.

Frost went for long walks,
Eliot played croquet,
Pound took fencing lessons.

There is a snapshot of Yeats
in a garden with a woman
naked to the waist and smiling.

Auden when he was old
counted the sheet of toilet paper
that a visitor used.

Sawney Beane Family Values

The Sawney Beane family were, in their way, the epitome of family values.  They were very close-knit, ate all their meals together, and did many things as a family.  As you are about to see, that is not always a good thing.

If you thought I skirted the limits of good taste talking about Burke and Hare before, then this is not for you. 

Thus, from the annals of famous Scots criminals, I bring you Sawney Beane.

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Story taken from "The People Eaters" in The World's Strangest Crimes by C.E. Maine. 

Sawney Beane was born in the 17th century, near Edinburgh, during the reign of James VI (James I of England, heir to Elizabeth I).  He did not enjoy toiling the earth to earn his bread, and when he reached a certain age, he hooked up with a like-minded woman, and they went off to make their fortune.

Having no money, they found quarters in a large cave in a cliff by the sea. Spacious quarters, no rent.  The front of the cave was covered by a beach, which was completely under water during high tide.

And with no income, they resorted to highway robbery to make money.  And to escape detection and capture, they killed their victims.  While they took jewelry and clothing from their victims, they could not sell it locally without fear of discovery, and could only spend the cash collected, which did not afford a lavish style of living.

And so they came upon a scheme which provided them ample food.  They simply took the bodies of their victims back to their cave, disemboweled them, and salted and cured the limbs for meat.  Thus fed and sheltered, Sawney and the Mrs.  began procreating.  They had fourteen children.  And these children were raised in the family tradition of falling upon hapless wayfarers and killing them and eating them.

Meanwhile, the countryside was understandably agitated over the disappearance of wayfarers.  Not enough so that no one ever took the road, though, and the Beane tribe was able to live their cosy existence for some 25 years.  Rarely, they would venture into neighborhood towns for essentials, but never brought any suspicion on themselves.

It came to pass that the children of the prototype Beanes had children of their own through incest, and then a third generation appeared as well. Eight grandsons and fourteen granddaughters were born.  These children were all raised in the connected caverns, and taught to hunt humans for food.  They would outnumber and ambush their victims, and have guards concealed peripherally to stop any would-be escapees.

Meanwhile, the authorities were searching for them, but their strategy of almost never venturing from their cave, and the fact that it was concealed at regular intervals by the ocean tides made them very hard to detect, especially by the forensics of the 1600's.

Ultimately, they were found out.  A pack of them attacked a couple returning from a fair, and immediately killed the woman.  The man fought back and a couple of family members were trampled.  During this melee, a large party returning from the fair came upon the scene and joined the battle, saving the man, who became the only person ever to escape the cannibal clan.

After this, James VI personally headed a small army to go after the family, and were unsuccessful until some of their dogs started baying at the seaside, and eventually came to the cave entrance. They entered en masse with swords out, and came upon the grisly dwelling place of the Beanes, with salted and cured limbs hanging from the walls, and piles of jewels and clothing.

Ultimately, forty-eight family members were taken, and justice was swift.  The day after capture, the men were dismembered and left to die as the women watched.  The women were burned at the stake.

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I read about the Beanes when I was in high school.  Now, I find that it may have been apocryphal (read about that here.)  While there are records, and reference is included in The Newgate Calendar, these were written considerably after the fact. 

As a bit of a true crime buff, I suspend my disbelief, and sort Sawney Beane and his grisly descendents in the true crime compartment of my brain.

And More Boners

From Alexander Abingdon's The Boners Omnibus and the Second Boners Omnibus.  Written work by schoolchildren.

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Robinson Caruso was a great singer who lived on an island.

Abraham Lincoln was born in a little log cabin which he helped his father to build.

Ptolemy was a Greek scientist who discovered the cause of ptomaine poisoning.

Booth Tarkington was the assassin of Abraham Lincoln.

Dick Turpin suffered capital punishment twelve times but managed to survive.

Xantippe was the inspiration of Socrates' philosophy which is that no man knows anything.

Socrates

Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.

A chamois is a fleet-footed animal used for washing windows in the mountains of South America.

Chamois

Christian Science is when they cure you and you ain't there by thinking good things about you even
if there ain't any.

Heredity means if your grandfather didn't hae any children, then your father probably wouldn't have had any, and neither would you, probably.

A mugwump is a bird that sits on the fence with its mug on one side and its wump on the other.

Parallelopipeds are animals with parallel feet.

A philanderer is a person who gives money freely to charitable and needy institutions.

A seminary is a place where they bury the dead.

A terrapin is an angel of the highest order.

Terrapin

Lisa Scottoline and "The Vendetta Defense"

I just finished reading a very entertaining murder mystery cum legal thriller, The Vendetta Defense by lawyer/author Lisa Scottoline (sort of rhymes with fettucine).  Scottoline, who is proud of her Italian heritage, involves Italian-American culture in all her mysteries. 

Her first eleven books revolve around a Philadelphia law firm, Rosato & Associates.  The stable of female lawyers is headed by the hard-headed Bennie Rosato, and in Scottoline's novels, the women take on challenging cases and barely escape extinction as they risk their skins seeking justice and a fair shake for their clients.

In The Vendetta Defense, Judy Carrier takes on the case of Pigeon Tony Lucia, a 79 year-old Italian man accused of murdering an octogenarian compatriot.  Judy is a no-nonsense, no makeup, no pantyhose clog-wearing legal eagle.  Fortunately, she is also beautiful and funny, and manages to find lust and maybe love (if she survives) as she defends her client.

Scottoline also takes you back to Abruzzo, Italy during the war to learn about the seeds of conflict between the antagonists.  So this is not only a witty legal thriller with some romance and adventure, there is also some interesting history to be gleaned.

Her other books feature different lawyers with different personalities and styles...I remember reading Courting Trouble which featured lawyer Anne Murphy, a young, brilliant red-headed beauty queen running for her life in her Manolo Blahniks. 

Scottoline was nominated for an Edgar award for her first novel, Everywhere that Mary Went.  Her second novel Final Appeal, was nominated and won the Edgar.

She also loves Italian cooking, and her website includes a couple of recipes I have saved to my file, including this Tomato Sauce for People with Better Things to Do:

Put a couple of fresh, raw tomatoes into a Cuisinart
Add some olive oil
Sprinkle in salt and pepper
Puree like crazy
Serve cold on top of hot pasta
Put fresh basil on top so it looks classy
Eat while you read something terrific, then go out and live your life.
Yipeee!

This link takes you to a page with the above recipe, and her mother's cheese ravioli recipe.  It sounds like a lot of work--a labor of love, which I plan to try soon.

Jump Start the Season

I've been trying to get in the holiday spirit.  Then I got this great video from a friend.  Then I spent more time than I should have trying to get the video into my blog.  So here's the link instead.  It is called The Wizards of Winter, by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  It's simply fabulous.

See it here and get in the mood!

Now get out there and decorate!

Thanks, Dee Ray.