In the Headlights

French Onion Soup

I love French onion soup. (Nevermind that I can't think of any food I dislike in which melted cheese plays a large part.) In fact, I can't, off the top of my head, think of anyone who doesn't love French onion soup.

The following recipe  is close to the traditional, but I add some herbs and spices that aren't in Julia Child.  It's pretty close, though, and I'll tell you at the end what to leave out if you want to go that route.

Onion Soup Gratinee

3 Tbsp. unsalted butter (may substitute half with oil)

1 1/2 lb. yellow onions thinly sliced (5-6 cups)

3 oz. dry red wine

3 tbsp. dry sherry

5 cups of canned beef broth (may substitute low-sodium chicken broth for a lighter soup)

1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

1 tsp. dried thyme, crumbled

1/2 tsp. dried oregano, crumbled

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. white pepper

1 bay leaf

French bread

1 oz. Gruyere or Emmentaler cheese per person, grated.

Melt butter over medium-low heat in a dutch oven.  Add onions, salt, pepper, oregano and thyme.  Stir, and cover with lid for about 10 minutes.  Remove lid and cook over medium to medium-high heat, stirring constantly until the onions are medium brown and carmelized.  This will take 20-30 minutes.  You must stir them to keep them from burning.

The patience required for constant stirring is the only difficult thing about this recipe.

When the onions are carmelized, add the wine, sherry, Worcestershire sauce, broth and bay leaf, and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove the bay leaf as you don't want it to impale someone's palate. Taste and adjust salt and pepper.

Lightly toast 1/2" slices of baguette.

Heat oven to 400 degrees.

This should be baked in individual oven-proof crocks.  If you don't have the crocks, you can bake it in a deep casserole dish and serve it family style.

Put enough baguette in each crock to cover the bottom.  Sprinkle with 2 tbsp. grated cheese. Top with 1-2 cups of soup, to bring the level to about 1/2 inch from the top.  Cover the top with a generous handful of grated cheese.  Bake for 30 minutes or until golden brown on top.

Serve.  You know what to do with the rest of the wine.  And remember, these babies are HOT.

Julia and Jacques use the following ingredients.  Otherwise, the technique is the same:

2 tbsp. oil and 1 tbsp. butter; 1 1/2 lb. onions, 1/2 tsp. dried thyme, 1/2 tsp. salt, 5 cups of chicken broth, 1/2 tsp. black pepper, and 1/4 cup of red or white wine.  You, the chef, can mix and match any way you please.  My use of beef broth, red wine, Worcestershire sauce and sherry gives a deeper flavor.  This is absolutely an individual thing, so feel free to experiment. (Oh, and I use more cheese.)

Kitchen Clutter

I was supposed to take a trip to Greenbrier country for a long weekend.  Just found out my friend's father had a health crisis, so we are going to cancel the trip. Maybe all that pre-blogging I did in preparation means I can still goof off. This is the second trip in as many months that has been aborted.  Perhaps I am not meant to fly.

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But I am getting off message.

Recently, Shawn Lea featured a crepe pan in her blog, Everything and Nothing.  I had blogged on crepes, and maintained (and still do) that any well seasoned flat-bottomed pan could be used for making crepes. 

Which led me to think about some of the kitchen stuff I have that I could get rid of and never miss, and what is essential. Most of the illustrations are courtesy of Fantes.

Cutting, chopping and dicing:

A few years ago, in a moment of hubris, I bought an expensive mandoline.  At that time, I had to search all over town to find it, and it cost the earth.  I even had to special-order the safety guard, so I wouldn't amputate any fingers. I have probably used it twice in the time I have had it. It proved to be time-consuming to assemble, difficult to clean, and you could still slice yourself up disassembling, cleaning and drying it.

Worse, I had given away my cheapo slicer, which was actually pretty user-friendly.

Today, this is my default chopper, slicer and dicer:  An 8" chef's knife is versatile and easy to use, and almost all my chopping is now done on a chopping board with such a knife.  Julienne your pepper, onion, carrot, whatever, then crosscut it for an easy fine dice. 

OK, you will also need  a smaller utensil, like a paring knife to peel the onion or trim the pepper, but there is not much you can't do with those two.

As far as grating stuff like cheese, I have many options.  I have the ubiquitous box grater, and also several microplane options.  The two things I reach for every time, depending on sheer volume of cheese required are the simple drum grater (left), or the power tool of cheese graters, the Kitchenaid attachment.  If you have read any of my recipes, you may have noticed that I use a lot of grated cheese.  If I am making a single serving of pasta I will use the drum grater to grate some Gruyere over a plate of linguine or the like, but any more volume than that goes straight to the Kitchenaid. And any hard cheese like parmesan goes right to the power tool.  If I learned one thing from my husband, it is this: He who has the most power tools, wins.

So my grater lives on the Kitchenaid. 

Garlic

Another thing I cook with a lot is garlic. So when bookofjoe's new feature "What Am I?" showed a garlic peeler (right), I wondered if I needed one.  The answer was a resounding "nah".

A few cloves:  Mash 'em with the side of your chef's knife, remove the skin, and dice on the cutting board.  If you're in no hurry, you can just peel and dice with your paring knife and save cleaning the board (Trade secret how to do that.  If I tell you, I'll have to...well, you know.  I don't want to have to shed blood here).

If a lot of garlic is needed, push it through a garlic press (hint:  don't buy one that has a separate piece for cleaning the holes. You will surely lose it).  Mine has a flat pressure plate, then reverses to push the detritus out of the holes. I can press the cloves unpeeled, and every now and then just empty the skins out of chamber.

The item on the right was given to me by a friend who knew my cooking habits.  It is a stainless steel hand bar.  As you may know, when you have been handling garlic and your hands stink--you might prefer not to reek as your guests come through the door--you can neutralize that sulfur smell by rubbing your hands on stainless steel.  Alas, that bar sits there in its pristine glory, as I rub my hands on my stainless steel sink and faucet, cleaning them even as I get rid of the odor.

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Wine pulls and plugs:

I have tried just about every type of wine pull know to man (yeah, and woman).  This one is my  favorite.  What makes it special?  The articulated arm.  You can screw into the cork, ratchet on the near hook and pull it out partway, then screw deeper and use the far hook. I bought mine in Maine, but you can get a similar one here for $6.95.

My new favorite is likely to be the screw top which Shawn blogged about on the 13th of this month.

And in the unlikely event that you have any wine left over, save it with this cap.  You can then store the wine in just about any position, and it won't leak.

Etc.

I also have one of these safe-edge can openers.  Two issues--there is a steep learning curve to figuring out how to use it. At least there was with me. And it won't open my French Market coffee.  And I have to have that mixed half-and-half with the Columbian, or I am not happy.

Lastly, I have acquired a couple of pricey silicone potholders.  These grip well and really are impervious to heat.  If you have ever taken something out of the oven and run to put it safely down as the heat rushed through your cloth potholder (especially if it was damp), you can see the advantage.  They are a little stiff, and may take a little getting used to, but they are the only thing I reach for these days, potholder-wise.

Cat Wrestling

Just passed the longest five minutes of my life in a battle of wills with...a cat.

I should trim Dandy's claws every two weeks or so, or the furniture suffers.  Sometimes, I postpone this miserable task, in fact, I did this time, but when I caught him hooking a chair seat, I saw my duty clearly.

Over the years, we tried various techniques from wrapping him in a large towel, to holding him by the nape of the neck to pinning him to the counter. The vets always make this stuff look easy, but with me, he wages all out war.

Lately, I have had to resort to brute force.  Let's face it, he's a housecat, I outweigh him. So I sit in my Skan recliner, grab the cat and flip him onto his back, put my left arm across his chest, grab a paw and try to immobilize him with my legs.  Pretty undignified.  For both of us.

He only tries to break away three or four times...a sign that he is getting used to this.  And voila! neatly trimmed claws.

Afterwards a treat. 

For me, I mean.

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Pilling a cat is no easier.  There are gadgets designed to insert the pill in the cat's mouth, but I have never had any luck with them.  I guess the best technique (not necessarily a good technique) is the "grab the head like a baseball and put pressure at the angles of the jaw" technique.  Much better in theory or practice, though.  My blood runs cold every time the vet tells me a cat needs a round of antibiotics.

I am reminded of that great work of literature by Anonymous, entitled "How to Pill a Cat". I howled the first time I read it. And this time, rereading it. I submit it below for your amusement:

How To Pill a Cat Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and contact local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Pill a Dog Wrap it in bacon.

Eagle Cam

 

A couple of weeks ago, there was an article in my Sunday paper about and eagle cam that the Audubon Society was monitoring in Port St. Lucie, Florida.  I couldn't find the cam, so I kept the article and checked again.  No luck.  So I just decided to Google eagle-cam, and got over 2 million hits.

I tried to follow a link through the Orlando Sentinel, but got a 404 message.

The site that provided the picture above, Northeast Utilities System's Eagle On-Line, updates every five to fifteen minutes monday through friday.  Or tries to.  They have a lot of pictures at their site.

The American Eagle Foundation follows a nest at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.  Unfortunately, the eggs they hoped to follow this year proved infertile.  Luckily, they were able to get some foster chicks for the adults to raise, but don't anticipate having the live cam feed again until March of 2006.

I may not have had much luck finding my eagle-cam, but I found a great site called American Bald Eagle Information.  It is full of fascinating information.  Did you know that the female bald eagle (slightly larger than the male--or is she more deadly? --or both), stands 35 to 37 inches high, and has a wingspan of 79 to 90 inches.  That's up to 7 1/2 feet!  That's a big girl!

This site also has subheadings such as "Nesting and Young", "Reintroduction", "Myths and Legends", "Eagle Poems" and many more.  I know you are dying to know what an eagle poem looks like, so here's a short one:

The Eagle

He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ring'd with the azure world, he stands.

The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls.

---Alfred Tennyson

Napoleon Dynamite--Sweeet

  Apparently Napoleon Dynamite the high school uber-nerd has the chops to outgeek the man himself, Bill Gates. After winning a slapping match, N.D. becomes the new head of Microsoft.  You never know who you need to kiss up to.

I have friends in South Florida whose whole clan is one big Napoleon Dynamite fan club.  No kidding, they get together and play charades based on sayings and characters from the movie.  They say things like "I spent my summer in Alaska with my uncle hunting wolverines." and "I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?"

So of course when you find the perfect gift and both Shawn and Joe blog about it, you have to carpe diem and order the darned things.  So I did.

Meanwhile, in what they rightly call the worst quiz ever, you can find out who (or what) you most resemble from this movie. I'm not telling how I did. But there are over 12,000 others in the same boat.

Meanwhile, Jon Heder who played Napoleon has moved on.  He works in an occult bookstore in Just Like Heaven, a movie with an actual movie star, (I mean another one...), Reese Witherspoon.

And he doesn't look anything like Napoleon. 

He must have gotten a squip.

My Netflix Queue

I've been with a Netflix subscriber for about six months now, and couldn't be happier.

I prefer watching movies in the comfort of my home, where I can pause them if I need to, or do something else if they bore me. I can eat and drink what and when I want to, and no one is talking behind me, nobody's head blocks my view, and the floors aren't sticky.

Why bring all this up now?  Last night I watched a movie for the first time since I started blogging (not counting Murderball, which I actually saw in a theater).  So I watched I, Robot and got to watch Del Spooner (Will Smith) save the world.  Pretty good escapism.

Netflix has plans that allow you to rent one movie at a time with an unlimited monthly maximum for $9.99, to eight at a time for $47.99.  Those folks have to be serious.  Me, I get two at a time for $14.99 a month, and they tend to collect dust. 

The movies arrive in a red envelope in the mail, and after you watch them, you return them in the enclosed prepaid envelope:  just drop in the nearest mailbox.  Once they receive a movie from you, they notify you by e-mail, and send you the next movie in your queue.   You can switch the order, add and delete at will. Pretty simple.

So now I return "Ron White:  They call me 'Tater Salad'" (you had to be there), and "I, Robot".  My two previous were "Napoleon Dynamite" and "American Splendor".

My Queue:

1.  Dracula (Frank Langella)

2.  Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

3.  Beyond the Sea

4.  Chocolat

5.  Monster

6.  Jerry Maguire

7.  The Aviator

8.  National Treasure

9.  Kinsey

10. Being Julia

11. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

So I'll be watching "Dracula" (my friend tells me Frank Langella is (was) hot in this movie, though I do not generally consider vampires a turn on--the whole Anne Rice thing leaves me cold). This just goes to show that I am open to suggestion.

Fear and Loathing, well, Hunter S.Thompson seems to be ubiquitous in his death, and I never saw this movie.  Sad to see an icon leave the scene. But he died on his own terms.  Pretty much as he lived.

I'll be happy to take suggestions for additions to my queue.  I won't watch horror, though, at least not above the level I've already listed.  And I don't seek out movies that will make me cry. 

Jokes

I am one of those people who can't remember jokes. I'm a good audience and love to laugh, but boy, jokes evaporate from my mind within minutes.  I may laugh heartily, but if you ask me to repeat a story five minutes later, I won't be able to.

Here's the only joke I can ever remember:

A man is visiting a farm, and sees a remarkable sight--a pig with three wooden legs.

The man says to the farmer: "Hey, what's with that pig?"

The farmer replies: "Son, that is a very special pig.  Why last year, when Timmy fell in the pond, the pig jumped right in, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the shore.  That pig saved Timmy's life."

The man is impressed.

The farmer goes on:  "And, one time, our house caught fire and that pig came in the house and dragged me and my wife out of the house, save our lives."

"Not only that, when my old father had a heart attack and was alone in the house, that pig called 911, and the paramedics came and saved Dad."

"Fascinating" replied the man, "but why does he have three wooden legs?"

The farmer replied:  (TADA)

"Son, a special pig like that you don't eat all at once."

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So I rely on less impaired individuals to make me laugh.  Or I may browse The Onion for satirical news. 

Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird is always full of bizarre news items, and always full of stories of odd behavior sure to make the reader feel sane and normal.  "Least Competent Criminals" is always worth a laugh:

Least Competent Criminals

Recurring Themes: Christopher Franklin, 20, became the latest man to flee from police on foot (from a traffic stop in Moore, Okla., in June) only to have his getaway aborted when he tripped on his loose, baggy pants (having run only about 30 feet). And in Durham, N.C., Otis Wilkins, 45, was charged with attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend and others in July for tossing a plastic bottle filled with gunpowder into their car, except that, as sometimes happens, he missed the window, and the bottle bounced back at his feet, igniting his clothes into a fireball, sending him to the hospital. [Norman Transcript, 6-21-05] [News and Observer (Raleigh), 7-7-05]

Speaking of inept criminals, the following is from Reuters Oddly Enough News:

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese woman called in the police after a hitman she paid to kill her lover's wife failed to carry out the job.

The 32-year-old Tokyo woman was arrested Wednesday for incitement to murder, the Daily Yomiuri newspaper said Friday.

The woman contacted a private detective through a Web site last November and paid him 1 million yen in cash to murder her love rival, the paper said.

The 40-year-old detective accepted the money and suggested he could carry out the job by chasing the victim on a motorcycle and spraying her with a biological agent in a tunnel.

Police also arrested the private detective and found the alleged target safe and well, the paper said.

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Then again, you can borrow jokes from other people:

Rita Rudner:  "My husband is from England and has never seen a football game before.  So I could tell him anything I wanted.  I told him it was over at halftime."

Wanda Sykes: "They say marriage is a contract.  No, it's not.  Contracts come with warranties.  When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer.  If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. 'I don't know; he just stopped working.  He's just laying around making a funny noise.'"

If you have a joke you'd like to share, send it to me ([email protected]) and I'll be happy to include the ones I think are funny in a future post.

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Grey Skies

 

Pop's Birthday Dinner

I think I'll cook up something special for the weekend.  It's Pop's birthday, and the folks are coming to dinner.  My sibs can't make the party.  They will be here in spirit, I know, and will phone sequentially right after the hot food hits the table.  This is a given.

He wants, and will get, shrimp cocktail, fried tilapia with homemade tartar sauce, grilled asparagus, baked rice, salad, bread and butter and cake.

Shrimp Cocktail:

Get medium to large shrimp, 5-8 per person, depending on how much they like shrimp and how much money you have in your pocket. You can boil them in salt water and Zatarain's crab boil, and lemon (instructions on package) or steam them (1/2 cup white vinegar, 1/2 cup water, 1 tbsp. Old Bay Seasoning, 1 tsp. salt per pound of shrimp--bring to a boil, add shrimp, stir gently, cover and steam about 5 minutes until pink.  Shell, devein and serve). Or you can boil them in a mixture of salt water and beer (+/- Old Bay). Use one quart of liquid for one pound of shrimp, add 2 tbsp. of salt (one if the shrimp are already shelled).  Bring to a boil, add shrimp.  Return to the boil, and cover and immediately remove from heat.  Let stand for 5-8 minutes until they turn bright pink.  Drain and cool under cold running water to stop cooking process.  Shell, devein and serve with:

Cocktail sauce: Start with about a cup of catsup, and add a good tablespoon of horseradish, juice from half a lemon and hot sauce and salt and pepper to taste.  You can make a sauce that will clear your sinuses in ten seconds or something a little more gentle.  It's up to you.

Since there will be shrimp and fish, I will make a second sauce--either remoulade or tartar sauce, for mixing and matching purposes.  In this case, I plan to make a tartar sauce for the fish, so will not make two sauces for the shrimp.  Especially as there will just be three of us. Pinochle, martinis and a good meal.

Here is Justin Wilson's Remoulade:

1 cup mayonnaise                                  2 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

1/2 cup olive oil                                     Hot sauce or ground cayenne pepper to taste

2 Tsp. prepared horseradish                   1/2 cup catsup

1/2 cup Creole or Dijon mustard             1/2 cup wine vinegar

Salt to taste.

Get out the whisk and a bowl.  Whisk mayonnaise, then slowly add the oil until incorporated.  Add the mustard, horseradish and catsup, and whisk between each addition to incorporate.  Then add the hot sauce and salt.  Whisk again.  Add the vinegar, whisk to blend, then refrigerate and use as needed.  Keeps several weeks in the refrigerator.

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Tilapia.

This is simple and delicious.  Tilapia is a mild-flavored white-fleshed fish which originated in Africa, but is now farm raised in this country, and is easy to find and reasonably priced.

Each fillet has a thick side and a thin side.  I divide them and cook all the thick pieces together and all the thin ones together as well.

Season each fillet with salt and pepper and dredge with flour.  In a frying pan, heat equal parts of cooking oil and butter over medium high heat.  Add enough fillets to make a layer, and saute until golden brown.  Turn, saute the other side and remove from the heat. Rule of thumb, it should take about 10 minutes (total) per inch of thickness of the fish.  If your tilapia are 1/2 inch thick at the thickest part, 2 1/2 minutes to a side should cook it perfectly.

The fish should be cooked when everything else is about ready to go.

This is delicious with just some lemon juice as well.  But if you make a remoulade or tartar sauce and have leftover fish, it makes great sandwiches.

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Tartar sauce:

1 cup mayonnaise                                   1 1/2 tbsp. minced onion or shallot

2 tsp. lemon juice (or to taste)                1 1/2 tbsp. finely chopped dill pickle

1 tbsp. finely chopped parsley                  1 tbsp. non-pareille capers (small ones)

1 tsp. Dijon mustard                               Salt and pepper.

Whisk mayonnaise, lemon juice, mustard and salt and pepper together.  Add the rest of the ingredients and stir until incorporated.

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Baked Rice:

This is my friend Sue's recipe and has been a favorite for many years.

Use two cups canned chicken broth to one cup of white (or brown) rice.

Preset oven to 350 degrees.

In a dutch oven, saute one medium chopped onion in 2 tbsp. oil.  When translucent, add the uncooked rice, and stir, toasting, until light tan.  Add the chicken broth and stir until it comes to a boil.  Remove from heat, put a lit on and put in the oven for 40 minutes.  At that point remove lid and return for another 10 to 15 minutes.  This allows the top layer to become lightly crisp and tan.  I like it that way, think it imparts a nice toasty flavor.  If you prefer your rice uniformly soft, leave the lid on until the rice is done.

Variations: 

1) My husband used to like corn mixed with the rice.  I'd add a cup or so of frozen kernels when I added the broth, then bring to a boil and follow the rest of the directons. Also nice is to add some toasted pine nuts to the rice mixture.

2) You can brown some pork chops or chicken breasts in the oil, remove, then add the onions, rice, etc. as above.  Just before putting in the oven, arrange the breasts or chops on top of the rice (submerged in the broth).  As the rice bakes, they will wind up on top and nicely cooked and browned, while imparting a nice taste to the rice.

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OK, I won't go into the asparagus and salad and bread right now.  But I will make short work of the cake.

Make your favorite boxed cake.  I like this with a yellow cake, but it is very good with chocolate cake as well, depending on your dedication to chocolate.

Marietta's Frosting:

3 cups of heavy cream

6 Tbsp. sugar

6 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder

1/8 tsp. salt

Whisk ingredients together and chill for an hour or more. 

Whip until stiff. Start at high speed and when it starts to thicken go to medium, and stop whipping once it reaches the right consistency.  Do not overwhip.

Frost cake.

This is essentially a chocolate whipped cream.

Optional:  Pat 1/2 cups toasted almonds around edges of the cake.

This must be refrigerated or the icing will melt. You can use powdered sugar instead of regular sugar and the cornstarch in the sugar will help the frosting hold its consistency longer.

     

Know Thyself

A couple of best selling books have to do with personal questions you've never actually had the nerve to ask your doctor.  One of these, Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask Your Doctor After Your Third Martini.  For some reason, I never seem to have three martinis before seeing my doctor (I'm sure it would go ever so well if I did.) so I should probably read this book.  Or maybe not. Maybe just reading the articles about it will tell me all the best stuff.

The book is the brainchild of emergency physician Billy Goldberg, with satirist Mark Leyner.

I thought the answer to the title question was that they can be kinda fun if you can locate them in the pelt.  But the right answer seems to be that they have no more use than, well, than tits on a boar.

This book's nine chapters answer burning questions in the following categories:  Eating, Anatomical Oddities, Home Remedies, Drugs and Alcohol, Sex, The Bathroom, Aging, Old Wives' tales, and Medicine as Portrayed on T.V. and in the Movies. 

Topics range from ear wax to eye gunk, shrinkage to flatulence, morning breath to snake bite treatment (Forget that old joke. You don't suck the poison out.).  And the authors have been so innundated with additional questions that they are making plans for part deux.

Get it at Amazon for $10.05.  Plus shipping.  Unless you are among the elite that have Amazon Prime.

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Another book designed to help you figure out how your body works is :  You:  The Owner's Manual, by Michael F. Roizen M.D. and Mehmet C. Oz, M.D. From Amazon for $13.57.

Darn, and if you buy both, you still don't qualify for Supersaver shipping.

Roizen is a noted cardiac anesthesiologist and internist, and author of The Real Age Makeover:  Take Years Off Your Looks and Add them to Your Life.  Dr. Oz is a professor of cardiac surgery at New York's Columbia University, specializing in heart transplants and cardiac assist devices.  He also has an interest in alternative medicine. The knowledge these two men carry in their heads is um..mindboggling.  So it is nice that they share a bit of it with the rest of us.

Separate chapters cover different systems of the body: the heart; the brain and nervous system; bones, joints and muscles; the lungs; the digestive system; sexual and sensory organs (together? sometimes.); the immune system;  hormones and cancer.

They also offer a "Live Younger Action Plan" which helps you figure out how to learn more about your body and how to make behavioral changes (including a diet plan with the ubiquitous 50 pages of menus) that will increase your quality of life and longevity.

Shawn Lea blogged on this book a few days ago, though she focused on one particular aspect of anatomy and physiology. When Dr. Oz was on Oprah, Shawn tells us that he said the following about the perfectly shaped bowel movement:

"It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water," he said on the show. "It should be an S shape."

"S" as in sigmoid colon.

Just one small (well, maybe not so small) piece of information from the wealth in this book.