In the Headlights

A Study of Two Cows

This has been done before, but keeps adding subtlety and depth...

Democratic:

You have two cows. 

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful

Barbra Streisand sings for you.

Republican:

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

Socialist:

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist:

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

Capitalism, American Style:

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

Bureaucracy, American Style:

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one,

Milk the other,

And then pours the milk down the drain.

American Corporation:

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself, and do an IPO on the second one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating

That you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

 

French Corporation:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

Japanese Corporation:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow,

And produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation:

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation a year.

Italian Corporation:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

Russian Corporation:

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives

to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

Iraqui Corporation:

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing to Al Jazeera.

Polish Corporation:

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation:

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control fo the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation:

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the better looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best

Accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out of state tell you

Which one you think is the best looking cow.

California Corporation:

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Latin Roots, Pars Tres

Today, I thought we'd do something a little different and look at some Latin phrases that you might hear sprinkled into everyday conversation.  Ok, maybe not.  Maybe it depends on whom you hang out with.

You may see the initials:  SPQR. They stand for Senatus Populusque Romani. The suffix que means and.  Romani is the genetive case (more on that another day).  The genetive case means "of" something and is used to denote possession.  So these initials, which were carved on many buildings in ancient Rome mean "The Senate and the People of Rome". You may see them on antiquities or photos of ancient Roman buildings

"Semper" means "always".  "Semper felix" means always fruitful and happy. Felix the cat is a happy cat, as cats go.  And they do.  But I wander. Felis is the word for cat.  So Felis Felix.

"Semper Fi" you will see on bumper stickers all the time.  That is short for "Semper Fidelis". Fidelis means "faithful, loyal or trustworthy".  It is, of course, the motto of the U.S. Marines. Always faithful.

Semper ubique is always and everywhere.

Another form of fideles is fides, for "trust, faith, reliance and confidence". "Bonae fidae" is in good faith. And bonafide means the real deal.

Rarity reminds us of another use of "semper".  Along with ubi, "where" and sub "under", you get "semper ubi sub ubi", meaning "always where under where", or for our purposes, "always wear underwear", which really cracked 'em up in Latin I.  We didn't get out much.

Ad infinitum-"to infinity".  (and beyond if you happen to be Buzz Lightyear.)

You may run into "primum non nocere", especially if you read bookofjoe. The good doctor uses the phrase now and then. It means "first, do no harm". Actually, nocere is an infinitive, so it is more like "first not to harm".  From the Hippocratic Oath.

"Ad astra per aspera" is the motto of Kansa.  It means to the stars (astra, like astral), per is through, and aspera is difficulties, thus "to the stars through adversity".

"Pabulum animi" sounded like cat or dog food. It means food for thought, or food for the mind.  From animus, for thought, or intellect.  Interesting, anima means wind, air, breath of life, heart, soul.

How about the first words of Virgil's Aeneid:  "Arma virorum cano". Cano means "I sing".  Arma is arms.  Vir is man.  Virorum is plural genetive, ( possessive) in this case it means "of men". So the phrase means "I sing of arms and of men".  OK.  You may not see that everywhere.  Or anywhere.

Then, there's "omnia vincit amor".  It means "love conquers all".  In the first sentence of a fine book by James Gould Cozzens:  By Love Possessed.

Another you might have heard:  "In vino veritas".  In wine, truth.  Not always good truth, but truth.

More morbid:

"Memento mori":  remember mortality (or remember you are mortal).

And "de mortuis, nil nisi bonum"--"of the dead, nothing but good".  Or to us, "don't speak ill of the dead".

Abi in pace, vade in pace.  Abi from abire, to go away.  Vade from to leave.  Pace  "peace", from pax. 

Go in Peace.

Steve Wynn's Vegas

Steve Wynn is the billionaire who owns 3 major hotels on the Las Vegas strip:  The Mirage, Treasure Island, and Bellagio.  But more than just adding to the glitz, he is largely responsible for a change in Vegas's image--a change that is responsible for bringing in a type of tourist who would previously not have been interested in what Las Vegas had to offer:  gambling, all night drinking, and entertainment featuring revues built around a singer or stand-up comic.

Wynn built a $25 million theater at the Mirage for Siegfried and Roy in 1990.

He brought the Cirque de Soleil to Vegas.  Next year, there will be seven Cirque related entertainments on the strip.

His latest enterprise is bringing Broadway shows to Sin City.  He has built a 1200 seat, $40 million (my those big number just keep rolling off my keyboard) theater to showcase "Avenue Q".  And to minimize competition, he has contracted to keep "Avenue Q" from going on the road, so that you won't be able to see it in your home town, unless that is New York or Vegas.  In 2007, he will bring "Monty Python's Spamalot" to town in a $70 million theater.  Since road company contracts had been drawn up, the best he could do was guarantee that it would not be seen in California or Arizona.

The actors don't seem to mind.  They get to act in these productions without actually keeping the hectic travel schedule associated with being on the road, so their lives can be relatively normal as long as the act in these productions.

While this is not the first time Broadway has been to Vegas, in the past, shows tended to be truncated or feature highlights and big number from shows.  These are the real deal:  full-length productions featuring first-rate casts.  Schedule to open in Vegas soon are "Hairspray" and "Phantom of the Opera".

I personally have not been to Las Vegas since I was a child, and we would stop there as we criss-crossed the country on the way to and from military posts.  Back then, my folks could buy my babysitting skills for a silver dollar or two (and all the silver dollar pancakes I could eat).  I have never had an interest in going there as an adult, for fun.

It looks as if I, like Sin City, can change.

And it may have to find a new nickname.

Read more here.

Hempz Herbal Moisturizer

Leaving the salon where I get my hair overhauled periodically, I happened to sample some lotion they had on the counter.  Smells nice, I thought.

As I drove home, I also noticed how nice it made my hands feel.  Within a day or so, I had gone back and bought it, in the economy size.

It's full name is

Hempz

Herbal Moisturizer

Enriched with Natural Cannabis Sativa

Hemp Seed Extract

THC-Drug Free.

(Just in case anyone gets the notion to try to smoke it, bake it into brownies or just drink it out of the bottle.)

It has a pleasing mild strawberry scent.  It contains a lot of extracts, the shea butter being the one I believe makes it feel so good.  The cannabis sativa seed oil comes in on line eight of ten, so it is not a major player here, in spite of being featured in the logo.

So, you boomers, keep some of this on your counter, and maybe your friends will think you are still a little bit naughty.  Get it at your local hairdresser, or here at a much more reasonable price.

New Orleans Behemoth

From the streets of New Orleans:  Res ipse loquitur.

Chicken and Wild Rice

This entree is pretty fancy, impressive to serve to guests, very delicious, and, a principle I try to adhere to, simple to make.  It comes from Life's Picture Cook Book which was published by Time, Inc. in 1958.

As I tend to do over time, I have made some modifications.  In a nutshell, I doubled the booze and cut the heavy cream by 1/2 cup.  (Don't sweat it, the alcohol cooks off). I felt it tasted too bland as published.  So if you want a bland sauce, start with half the alcohol in my recipe, then add more, or more cream to taste.

By the by, if you can find the cookbook, which has been out of print for many years, it contains many classic recipes, done beautifully.

It is a good idea to assemble and prepare your ingredients. (this is called a mise en place.) Then when you cook, you have everything at hand and don't have to stop for prep work.  And you know you will not be missing one critical ingredient in the middle of the recipe. Then you can put the rice on and pretty much make the rest of the dish while that is cooking.  The rice will take about an hour. And so will the rest of the dish, more or less.

Wild Rice:

8 oz. wild rice

1 tsp. salt.

boiling water

Their way:  Wash rice throughly in cold water.  Put rice in a saucepan.  Cover with 4 cups of rapidly boiling water.  Put the lid on and let the rice stand for 30 minutes.  Drain.  Repeat this twice adding salt to the last 4 cups of water.  Serves 6.

My way:  I can't be bothered with this.  Boil 3 cups of water and 1/2 tsp. salt.  While that is heating, go through one cup of wild rice, looking for small stones or anything that doesn't resemble rice.  Remove those things.  Rinse the rice.  When water is boiling, add the rice and stir.  Turn the head to low, put a lid on the rice and allow to cook 45 minutes.  Check.  Cook longer if needed. The kernels should be tender but chewy.  Some will have split.  When done, drain excess water, fluff with fork, and taste for salt.

Chicken:

6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (three pairs)

1 lb. mushrooms, sliced

2 Oz. butter

1 tbsp. minced onion

1 1/2 cup heavy cream

4 oz. brandy

4 oz. dry sherry

1/2 tsp. salt

black pepper

Note:  These amounts have  been adjusted to my taste.  The original recipe called for 2 cups of heavy cream, and 2 oz. each of brandy and sherry. 

Separate tenders from breasts, remove tendons, fat or any non-breast tissue.  Season with salt and pepper. Melt butter in a saute pan over low to medium heat.  Saute chicken until a rich brown color, about 20 minutes.  Remove chicken, cover with foil and place in a warm oven.

Add mushrooms and onion to saute pan, stir constantly until cooked, about 10 minutes.  Reduce heat to low and add heavy cream. Simmer another 5 minutes, stirring frequently.  Add brandy and sherry and simmer an additional 5 minutes.  Adjust salt and pepper.

To serve, spread wild rice over a serving platter and arrange chicken pieces on top.  Pour sauce over the rice and chicken and serve with a green salad and crisp french bread.

Your guests will be thrilled.  So will you. 

Think Fast!

by Scott Kauffman

There are times in every man's life when he is abruptly forced into action, unprepared and without forethought.  For instance, standing in the bathroom, facing the toilet, relaxing and pondering the Rorshach patterns on the wall, one might not notice a small, furry beast as it glides into the room.

Master of stealth, it sidles up to the bowl, drawn by the sound and its own curiosity.  Closer and closer it creeps, until it sticks its head forward to investigate.  Finally, one becomes aware of its presence, alerted by a sudden flurry of startled flight.  Then the realization dawns:  one has just peed on the cat's head.

What this man does next says everything about what kind of person he is, and how he thinks on the fly.  His immediate actions can determine the course of his relationship with that particular animal for years to come.  I've had occasion to ponder what is best in such a crisis, so let me share my conclusions for the day when other men, unexpectedly dealing with an angry and wet cat, will need to think fast.

First, don't laugh.  Cats will endure humiliation, but never laughter at their expense.  Calm yourself, take a deep breath, and simply submerge the urge to laugh at the look on the cat's face as it peers around the corner at you.  Stuff a washcloth in your mouth if you have to.

Next, size up the situation.  Is the cat panicked (unlikely), startled (likely, but he probably won't admit it), or irate and suddenly deeply dignified (most probable)?  Treat it accordingly.  In all three cases, luckily, the best action is the same.  In a calm, soothing voice, gently call the cat's name, and then say, "I'm sorry."  Say it sincerely.  I know it wasn't really your fault, but cats, while possessing a highly developed sense of personal honor are not intelligent enough to ever accept your argument that the incident was not your responsibility.  In the cat's eyes, you are to blame, always and forever.  You might as well acknowledge that right away and get it over with.  Better that than to wait for the inevitable vengeful reprisal.

Once you've apologized, you have three courses of action open to your.  You can attempt to clean the cat's head, you can curse at it and drive it away, or you can ignore it and trust that cats know what to do in such situations.  If you try the first, it will run away and hide under something, looking out at you as if in fear of its life, at which point you'll be left with the second or third option by default.  In fact, in the final analysis, the third course is the best anyway:  let the cat decide what to do.  It will go into the middle of the adjoining room, sit down, and start to clean its head.  Once again, remember not to laugh.  Not even a giggle.

All that's now left is to decide how to tell the story, and to whom.  Normally, you'll be able to tell the tale however you like (if that's the kind of story you like to tell), as long as the cat's not around at the time to hear the guys laughing.  But what if the cat isn't yours to begin with?  Let's say it's your girlfriend's house, and her cat, or your've visiting for a dinner party.  What then?  Most men can see the mines that such situations lay in their path.  The rule is, if in doubt keep it to yourself.  But if it's your girlfriend's (or wife's) cat, and you absolutely must tell her what happened, for God's sake don't laugh when you do!  Don't ask me how I know.

Hut Hiking

Love the idea of hiking through lush scenery in clean fresh air?

Love the idea of sleeping far from civilization and smog and urban cacophony?

Hate carting camping equipment in your backpack?

Hate sleeping on the ground?

How about washing out of a bucket?  Squatting in the poison ivy?

*******************************

Well, fret no more.  There is an answer to your seemingly schizophrenic desires.

Hut hiking allows you to carry the necessities and enjoy hiking, mountain biking or skiing from hut to hut.  The huts themselves range from the basic to the luxurious, from private to communal.

Lisa McLaughlin, in TIME (9/26/05) describes four such hut-hiking vacations:

Colorado:  29 comfortable huts in the Rocky Mountains, connected by 350 miles of routes.

New Hampshire: 8 huts spaced a day's hike apart on a 56-mile stretch of the Apalachian Trail in the White Mountain National Forest.

Canada:  At the Alpine Club of Canada, shelters range from remote bivoucs to luxurious log cabins.

New Zealand:  The Abel Tasman Coastal Walk-30 mile, three to five day hike through forests and along beaches. Accommodation options include basic huts, a houseboat dorm, and a luxurious lodge.

Below is Elizabeth Parker Hut in Yoho National Park, B.C., in the Canadian Rockies.

   

The beauty of this is that you can pick pretty much anywhere in the world and arrange a vacation of any length.  What kind of scenery do you prefer?  I could stand to stay just about anywhere featured in this photo gallery of Alpine huts.  Not sure about hiking to them though...

Most of the hiking tours are in the Unites States, Canada, and Europe (the Alpine regions of Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and Austria).

If you prefer something other than hiking, you can go kayaking in Greece or Crete, cycling in Ireland.

These active vacations offer different scenery every day, and as comfortable a night as you desire.  You pick your location--and price range.   Think of it when you plan your next vacation.

Higher Learning

Every now and then, you will see an article in a magazine by someone who has collected funny answers students give on tests.  Chances are some of them will be right out of a book called The Boners Omnibus, by Alexander Abingdon, illustrated by Dr. Seuss. It was published in 1931.

I was going to call this post "Boners", but was afraid it would get the same traffic enjoyed by Lisa in her blog called "Monday Garden Porn". 

Herewith are some of the best from this fine collection:

-Virgil is the mother of Christ.

-Ambiguity means having two wives living at the same time.

-An appendix is a portion of a book, which nobody yet has discovered any use.

-Average is something that hens lay eggs on.

-A compliment is when you say something to another which he and we know is not true.

-The Dauphin was a rare fish that used to inhabit the Arctic Circle in the middle ages.

-Matrimony is a place where souls suffer for a time on account of their sins.

-The letters M.D. signify "mentally deficient".

-An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes.  A pessimist looks after your feet.

-The Papal Bull was a mad bull kept by the Pope in the Inquisition to trample on Protestants.

-The Papal Bull was really a cow that was kept at the Vatican to provide milk for the Pope's children.

-A period is a dot at the end of a sentence. Period costumes are dresses all covered with dots.

-A polygon is a dead parrot.

-An epitaph is a short, sarcastic poem.

-Homer wrote the Oddity.

-Milton wrote "Paradise Lost".  Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained".

-In Christianity, a man can only have one wife.  This is called monotony.

-Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

-All brutes are imperfect animals.  Man alone is a perfect beast.

-When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire.

-Describe the hardships of the Crusaders on their way to the Holy Land.

     Many of them died of salvation.

-Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen".  As a queen she was a success.

-They gave William IV a lovely funeral.  It took six men to carry the beer.

-Louis XVI was gelatined during the French Revolution.

-The chief executive of Massachusetts is the electric chair.

-A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as "I am loved".

TO BE CONTINUED (in a week or so).

Vonnegut

A couple of nights ago, I saw Kurt Vonnegut on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  I was a faithful reader of Vonnegut's novels until about 1980, when my mind wandered on to something else.

He had quite a bit to say, pulling bits of paper out of pockets and pretty much running over Jon Stewart, no easy feat. 

I am ashamed to admit that since I hadn't heard anything about him in years (that I can recall), I thought he had died.

I remember reading Player Piano, Slaughterhouse Five, Breakfast of Champions, Cat's Cradle and other novels, and loving the fantastic, often bleak and futuristic, but frequently hilarious scenarios he offered. 

Vonnegut himself was a prisoner of war in World War II, and was in incarcerated in a slaughterhouse in Dresden when allied forces bombed , killing 135,000 civilians.  He wrote about these experiences in his most famous novel, Slaughterhouse Five. 

He is a self-proclaimed humanist and socialist.  He has done an advertisement for the American Civil Liberties Union.  He is involved with the World Federalist Movement, a group whose proponents envision a global and humanistic society.

Vonnegut currently writes for a magazine called "In These Times".  A number of his essays from this magazine were published this year as A Man without a Country (here from Amazon), which has become a best seller (where have I been?).

In an essay, Thomas M. Sipos talks about the fact that Vonnegut's best selling books never translated successfully to the screen. Sipos claims that Vonnegut's greatest strength is not in his plots or characters, but his unique authorial voice.

I am inclined to agree.  It is very hard to translate irony and wry, cynical humor into a movie. 

I have often felt that that was the problem with Joseph Heller's Catch-22, one of the bleakest, funniest books ever, and one of the few I have reread several times over the years. (I think it's probably time again.)  The movie captured the misery and horror of World War II pretty well, but missed, entirely, the mitigating touch of humor.

Vonnegut, likewise, is best appreciated on the printed page.