In the Headlights

The Glass is Half Full

I've been having a stressful week.  I was in the office today dealing with potential disgruntled postal workers (figure of speech, but  you know...) when my secretary came in and dropped this on my desk.  The first part is sort of pop-psych.  The others are pretty funny, mostly familiar, a couple I hadn't heard.  All of it is edited to my taste.

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A lecturere explaining stress management raised a glass of water and asked "how heavy is this glass of water?"

After getting a few dumb answers, he told the audience that it doesn't matter.  What matters is how long you hold it.

If you hold it for a minute, no problema.
For an hour, it makes your arm ache.
A day and you'll call an ambulance.
A lifetime...oh, wait, he didn't say that.
In each case, the weight is the same, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes.

"And that's the way it is with stress management.  If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it up again.  When you're refreshed, you can carry on with the burden."

He added that before going home from work, you should put the burden of work down;  don't carry it home.  You can pick it back up tomorrow.

Meanwhile, you can kick the jerk out for a few hours.  Oh, wait, that's not what he said.

**********

I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing.  Usually when I go home, I blog or cook or watch a bit of TV or a movie, or read, and forget about the day.  I have colleagues who can't let it go, and every day, I look at them and wonder how they get themselves so stressed, if they're going to have an early heart attack or stroke.

I try not to add to their stress. Really.  But you don't even have to try.  They seem to interpret everything as a stressor.

***********

So here are a few platitudes that sound deep, even if they're not.

-Accept that somedays you are the pigeon/windshield, some days the statue/bug.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them. (What if you love sauerbraten and red cabbage?)
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Drive carefully.  It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. (That's deep.)
-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-It may be your sole purpose in life to be kind to others. (I hope not.  I'm not Ghandi.)
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because you won't have a leg to stand on.
-Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.  (I'm working on it.)
-Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. (I don't have that option, darn it.)
-The second mouse gets the cheese.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live.
And my personal favorite

-Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

[Image from www.commons.wikimedia.org .  Photo by Derek Jensen.]

Quote Unquote

I heard this quote today, attributed to James Oberg, NASA engineer:

"Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."

I like it.  Be receptive to ideas, but not so much that every idea, regardless of logic or merit warrants equal consideration.

The more implausible or counterintuitive something is, the more rigorous the proof or supporting argument should be.

[Thanks to Dr. Steven Shafer for a wonderful lecture on the topic, which started with the Oberg quote.]

[Image, CafePress.com]

Natural Highs

LC sent us this list of natural highs.  Some of them are great.  The list is 45 lines long, so I will include the best ones.  Since it's my blog, I will feel free to embelish as I see fit.  If you have favorite natural highs of your own, please share them.

 

1)   Falling in love.
2)   Laughing so hard your face hurts (and your sides ache, and tears course down your cheeks).
3)   A hot shower when you're cold and wet.
4)   No lines at the super market (or driver's license place).
5)   Getting mail from someone special.
6)   Hearing a favorite song on the radio.
7)   Lying in bed listening to the rain outside, and not having to get up and go out.
8)   Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 
9)   A chocolate milkshake (or malted.  Mmmm).
10) A really stimulating conversation.
11) Finding money in your coat pocket form last winter.
12) Laughing at an inside joke.
13) Accidentally overhearing somebody say something nice about you.
14) Waking up, looking at the clock and realizing you still have a few hours to sleep.
15) The first kiss (the first kiss from a new partner counts, too).
16) Playing with a puppy or a kitten.
17) Sweet dreams (Oh, yeah).
18) Hot chocolate with marshmallows.
19) A road trip with a friend (with really good music, playing loud).
20) Eye contact and a smile shared with a cute stranger.
21) Holding hands.
22) Giving someone a present that you know they'll love.

A few I'd like to add to the list:

23) Going to the movies and having the whole theater to yourself.  (I have, and the movie was great, too.)
24) A warm bed to climb into at night.
25) Getting together with someone you really like but haven't seen for a long time.
26) Writing what I think is a really good blog post...even if I'm the only one who thinks so.

Heck, even reading a list like that give me a natural high...

[Image via Anthony's Kite Gallery]

Personal DNA

Advocating Inventor

I found this at Shawn Lea's Everything and Nothing. 

It's my personality DNA.

I am an advocating inventor.

Take the personality quiz here.

UCLA Women's Study

A study by the UCLA Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of man that a woman finds attractive can depend on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to men who have rugged, masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more likely to be attracted to a man who has a spear lodged in his chest, and duct tape over his mouth, going up in flames.

No further studies are expected.

[Thanks, S.R.  I'm so surprised at you!]

Men should memorize this chart.

For more about women's behavior as it relates to menstrual cycles, check out The Straight Dope.

Inner Peace

I pass this to you because it has worked for me.  Most of us can use a little help achieving some tranquility and peace in our lives.  I have tried T.M., but never stayed with it, as some of my friends did.

A path to inner peace can be found by following this simple advice from Dr. Phil.  Simply stated:  "the way to achieve inner peace is simply to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So I looked around me to see all the things I'd started and never finished.  Before leaving for work this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.

Thanks to RR for sending this on, and for her concern about our spiritual health.  I took some liberties with the text, but not with the substance(s).

[Illustration from The 8th Side]

Retire Happy

Stanley Bing's secrets to a happy retirement:  "Your goal is to go down face first in a 28-ounce T-bone at the age of ninety."

Bing if a columnist for Fortune.  His Retirement guide came through CNNMoney.com.  His guide may be humorous, but it contains many profound truths.  Read it in its entirety here.

Other tips: 

"'My house is worth a million' is not a retirement plan."

"Stay put.  Where do you think you're going?  Someplace new and strange?  That's why God created hotels."

"You've got to keep your hobbies hobbies.  They're called hobbies because you do them to relax, to get your mind off more serious things.  They're not supposed to be done all the time.  That's no fun.  Oh, and speaking of the whole notion of fun, don't expect to have it every day.  In fact, make sure that every day you do something that isn't fun."

"That's why it makes sense to exercise more than you used to, not less.  You have the time.  You want to continue to abuse your body in a million other ways, so take care of it.  That doesn't mean going completely around the bend and becoming a hardbody for the first time in your life.  I can't tell you how many guys I've known who keeled over about a week after they told me they were running 25 miles a week and were in the best shape of their life."

Finally:

Always look your best.  As you become older and less attractive, the need for aggressive grooming and sartorializing grows exponentially. So forget about all those lifelong aspirations to let it all hang out.  Some tips:

-     Get a haircut every week, even if you have no hair.

-     Don't grow a beard unless you're a woman.  But seriously, If you had a beard before, you may keep it.  Other than that, it's a place to store crumbs.

-     Do not take up the wearing of bow ties unless you are attempting to create a persona where before you had none, or are on MSNBC, which amounts to the same thing.

-     Shower regularly.  People like smelly old people about as much as they like smelly young people.

-     Bag the comphy clothing.  Wear a jogging suit only if you intend to go jogging.  Always wear a belt, and make it leather or cloth, not shiny plastic. A belt keeps more than your waist in.  It constrains the part of personality that wants to sag.

-     Wear no spandex.  You look terrible in it.

[Image from all-ecards.com]

Human Resources at Work

A large corporation had recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming

briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria

for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the HR rep called them together and remarked, "You're all

working very hard and we're satisfied with your work. However, one of our

secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her"?

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the HR rep had left the room, the leader of the cannibals said to the

others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating

managers! And no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat

someone who actually does something!!

(Those cannibals must have been cute and connected.)

[Via RR.  Illustration from Toothpaste for Dinner.]

Word of the Day

Solipsism--this great word was a favorite of two characters in The Tao of Steve.  So it seems worth looking at more closely.

solipsism:  The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known or verified.

A little more detail from Wikipedia, including the origins of this philosophy, from Greek presocratic sophist, Gorgias.

So it posits that the individual self is the whole of reality, and that others and the external world are representations of that self having no independent existence.

A tad egocentric, don't you think?

Though I'll grant you that everyone's reality is different, and tinged by his or her own viewpoint and experience.

 

Not to be confused with solecism, which is a socially awkward or tactless act (gaffe or faux pas).  Or a non-standard grammatical usage, an impropriety, mistake or incongruity.

You'll never see any solecisms here.  Hah.  Maybe I should say, check here for your daily solecism.

[Illustration from Dinosaur Comics]

Attitude Latitude

These are supposed to help you manage your stress.

-Accept that somedays you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.  (or the windshield and the bug)

-Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.

-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

-Drive carefully, it's not just cars that can be recalled by their maker.

-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

-If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

-It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others (or as RR used to say, as a horrible example).

-Never put both your feet in your mouth at the same time, you'll be left without a leg to stand on.

-Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

-Since it's the early worm that gets eaten, sleep late.

-The second mouse gets the cheese.

-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live.

-You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

-We can learn a lot from crayons.  Some are pretty, some are sharp, some are dull.  Some have weird names, and all have different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

-A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[Thanks, D.T.]